Roses. [He spoke it into my heart.]

Is it Monday? How did that happen? The weekend flew by, but I'm convinced it's Tuesday right now. Weird.

"Your job is to love her selfishly. Love her in order to make her unfold, to make her bloom. Love her to make her more beautiful for your own enjoyment."

That's a paraphrase from Pastor Steve. He told Josh that on the day that he married Whitney.

And God whispered, "Let me love you like that."

I'm trying.

Love.

Cataracts. [Put your mouth to the firehose and turn it on.]

Wow, it's been almost a month since I last wrote.

Life has been so great lately. I just came off one of the most restful weekends in a long time. Though I did hours and hours of homework, I was just sitting in my apartment with the beautiful sun shining in while I drank coffee. In pure silence [except the brief conversations with my beloved roommate, Sharon].

I realized that silence is something I crave. Or at least I do now. I long for the quiet[er] public spaces of France. If someone else is producing noise, I feel like they're invading my personal thought space. Is that a little crazy? But of course, too much silence would drive me insane. Once my thoughts are unwound and organized, noise is fine, even welcomed. So Saturday night, I had a small group of people over for games. And that was just fine.

It was lovely to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a long time. Like my good friends Adam, Aaron, and Craig. Others were around this weekend, as well, but I hadn't spent time with these guys in a long time. Long time ranging from 3 weeks to 10 months. Re-connecting this weekend was good for my soul.

It was nice to slow down, as I've been feeling a little out of control lately. Not the old out of control that caused a panic. But so much is happening now; it's all so quickly. God is doing so much in my heart right now; I'm not even sure what all is going on.

I won't go into detail because I'm not even quite sure how to explain anything. Maybe I'll update you once more has happened :)

Love.

I am [Reminders.]

I exist. This is a thought that struck me last night while I was at Shift (the Cru weekly meeting at the University of Minnesota). We were singing "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong United, and the words "I am" hit home.

♫ Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You ♫

These two simple words have duel meaning for me. And my heart felt both of them as we sang aloud in the Great Hall of Coffman.

I am. I exist. I'm alive. Don't ask me why I needed to be reminded of that. Maybe because I was feeling swallowed by the amount of homework I'd done the past two days. I'd been away from people (for the most part) reading and reading and reading. That had been my focus. The two days prior to that, I'd been so saturated by people time that I was going crazy. I'm an introvert.

Anyway, I still existed. But more than that. I'm alive. I'm living. This implies so much more action! It's so much more significant. And if I'm giving myself to God, shouldn't it be more than just existing? More than just surviving?

How does one do that? How do you become more? Especially when we are to become less?

"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30 (quote from John the Baptist)

As always, it's all wrapped together perfectly. Because the second meaning of "I am" is God Himself, of course.

"Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:13-14

God is the great I AM. He's the only existence. We are nothing apart from Him. We are not without Him.

My thoughts were drawn to Him, right where they should've been all along the past 4 days. How could I so quickly have forgotten and overlooked the very One who gave me life?

And that's when Jesus gently reminded me:

"I am the Giver of life. You feel drained? Let me pour life back into you, my beautiful child, my wonderful creation."

Are you kidding me? I'm not sure if my feet were still on the floor after that. I felt my soul, my heart, my very self lifted at that moment. Full. It took no time at all for Him to gently brush away the worries from my week.

I am. I only am because of I AM. In Him, my being is satisfied.

Love.

If History Repeats Itself [I drew in Your breath, and I keep on breathing.]

I got new shoes on Saturday. New running shoes, actually. I've been running consistently for over 2 months now. This hasn't happened often during my 21 years. Maybe just a hand-full of times. Then something would change in my schedule, and running was the first thing to be dropped.

School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.

It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.

"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3

Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.

Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.

Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.

I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.

But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.

God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?

Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.

♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫


I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.

Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?

Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?

Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.

'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'


What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.

That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?

Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.

Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:

' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31

That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.

Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?

We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6

Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.

My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17

'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13


Love.

Epicenter [All other ground is sinking sand.]

I'm getting frustrated. Correction: I was getting frustrated. This morning, I'm too tired after my 4.5-mile run to really feel anything other than the lack of energy in my legs.

Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.

I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?

As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!

God started answering me.....





"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.





Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.

It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.

"Pursue Me."

God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.

Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.

Love.

You Make Beautiful Things [Undo me.]

I decided to change my blog. I don't really know why. Yes, I do. Kind of.

I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.

This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.

But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.

He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.

So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.

"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."

Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?

But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.

Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.

He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.

Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.

And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.

Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.

Love.

Blurry. [That I could gaze upon Your beauty, O Lord.]

I'm a sinner in desperate need of a savior.

Jesus.

Spiraling Guilt. [It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.]

♫"You put your arms around me,
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫

I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.

- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)

- Run a half-marathon

- Get one of my books published

- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song


That's all I've got so far.

♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫


I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.

Love.

Chains [Falling on my knees til I love like You love me. I love You.]

I've finally gotten into a decent groove here. Groove, haha. Dumb word choice. But hey, a card laid is a card played. I'm keeping it. Also, by "here" I mean Illinois.

It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.

I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.

I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.

I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].








However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].

I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.


Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.

If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.

I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.

I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.

♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫

And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.

It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.

So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)

Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.

♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫

Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.

♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫

So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.

Love.

Simplicity. [As I sing about this joy.]

I just got back from my morning run. I was thankful for the coolness of it. It was still 80 degrees, but the humidity was significantly lower thanks for storms last night.

My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.

So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.

Dang.

But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.

God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.

Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.

I hate this.

But.

The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.

"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."

Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.

Even when it's just 13 little words.

Love.

Je Voudrais... [You still have my heart completely.]

I've felt more creative than usual these past few days. Now, I don't consider myself to be a creative person. In fact, I think of myself in quite the opposite light.

I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.

I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.

Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.

While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.

This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.

Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.

Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.

Here is currently what I have:

- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.

I have a lot of work to do.

"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31

Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.

Love.

P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?

Love.

Shortest Post Ever.

I've been home for 3 days. It's kind of surreal - almost as if I never left but so different at the same time. And I'm so different. Or maybe I'm the same. I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure I want to.

I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.

Love.

Don’t Make Me Choose [You wouldn’t like the choice I’d make.]

My long day of travel has started. I’m at the airport early – 45 minutes early. My internet isn’t working, so I’m typing this is Word. I said goodbye to Julien this morning. One of my best friends.

I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.

What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.

Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.

Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.

Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.

Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.

It just brought me so much joy.

But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.

I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.

But I’m not going to do that.

Love.

Valleys of Sorrow, Rivers of Joy [Goodbye.]

The past few days have been charged with emotion. I've had to say goodbye to my best friends here. The goodbyes were pretty staggered, which was nice, but it's been a long few days.

I have a few more goodbyes to go on Thursday night and Friday morning. Then it's off to Paris, Boston, and Indianapolis where I will finally get to see my family for the first time in almost 6 months. Dang. I can't wait.

Please be praying for a smooth layover in Boston. I have an hour and 40 minutes to get through customs, go back through security, and get on my plane. Last summer, we left Paris an hour late. So that has me quite nervous. I like having time to figure things out.

We spent the last few days in Normandy. In Bayeux, to be exact. It was actually really cool, as we got to walk on the Pont du Hoc, on the Omaha beach, and in the American cemetery in Normandy. It was so moving.

I couldn't help but reflect as I walk on the shore, the sand annoying getting stuck between my toes, the cold water getting my capris wet. So much had happened there. History had been made there. What if we'd invaded elsewhere and been unsuccessful? What would life be like today? What if the war had never happened at all? How would life be different today?

I suppose these aren't valid questions. Asking "What if?" after events has always kind of gotten on my nerves.

But being here brings me hope for my future. God works everything out perfectly. He'll do the same for my future. I trust Him.

Love.

Pyrite. [You're a communist?]

Salut! [Sometimes my fingers move too fast when I write that, and it says salt. I like this.] Project is quickly coming to an end, and God has done so much here. We leave Montpellier in 6 days, and I'll be back in the States in 10 days. So crazy to think about - I've been in Montpellier for over 5 months.

We've continued to go on campus everyday the last couple of weeks. Since finals are basically over for the French students, it's hard to find people to talk to on campus. God has been providing though.

Today, I'm exhausted. Last night was our last English club. A surprising number of people came! I've been kind of feeling like all of our friends have already left Montpellier for the summer. But Fitzpatrick's Pub was packed again last night.

Adding to my physical tiredness is a spiritual and intellectual tiredness as well. Last week, Holly, Spencer, and I went to campus 3 [the liberal arts campus] and approached the only two people in the cafeteria - 2 French men. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but Spencer was bold and initiated with them. He explained why we were there, and they graciously told us to pull up some chairs and join them.

An hour long intense conversation ensued. We mostly talked politics. Somehow Calvinism got thrown in, too, but I'm not quite sure how that happened. We exchanged numbers, but they didn't seem like the type of guys to want to hang out with us again. Oh, did I mention they don't speak any English?

Yesterday, I texted basically everyone I know to hang out before I leave. Shockingly to me [Oh, you of little faith!], one replied saying that he would be free for lunch today. So this morning, I grabbed Jonny [he speaks some French], and we headed to the university cafeteria.

We met up with him, then Melissa and Holly joined us. Almost 2.5 hours later, we had covered communism, different denominations in the church, French men, baptism, the validity of the Bible, evangelism, and probably 800 other things. My brain is fried, but it was amazing. Amazing.

Conversations like this are what I crave. What I love. Our new friend [and I can truly call him this] doesn't believe in God at all, but he's open to talking. And I trust God.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9

Other great things have been happening, too. God is working in the lives of my friends here. People are taking steps toward Christ. Some are closer than others. But aren't we all on that journey?

I guess I've gotten in the habit of writing stuff that God has been teaching me lately. So here goes. Lately - the past week or so - I've really felt the darkness here. The lack of hope. The distance from God. Not my own, but just other people's. So many people here don't believe in God here. They don't believe a god exists at all. And I think that causes a darkness here that can be overwhelming at times. And I've been feeling it.

It breeds hopelessness and doubt. But even in our doubt, God is still faithful here. It's incredible and makes or faith stronger, I think.

Doubt also makes us ask real questions. Not theoretical questions that I love to ask. But real, practical questions. One must really observe their own faith. It is tested. Is it real gold or just that of a fool?

And when you find that gold, oh, how it shines! Believers here shine like stars. It's beautiful to see. That's something I'll never forget. Something I wish I could describe to you, but it's indescribable. If only you could see it with me.

"We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." - 2 Peter 1:19-20


Love.

Can't Get Enough [Don't even want to.]

Holy Moses. I haven't written in a long time. Since project started to be exact. Sorry about that.

Things have been so busy the past few weeks! I'll now attempt to fill you in without going into much detail.

The project arrived, and we moved into our temporary housing: a sweet hotel with a pool. I got to meet the people on my team, and I LOVE them. Most of them. Some of them I don't know that well. But anyway, I had been a little worried about getting along with them - that worry was definitely dumb. If I'm being honest.

We moved into our actual project housing a few days later, got tours of the city (I know this city inside and out by now), went on the campuses for the first few times, and were exhausted by the weekend.

Since then, it's just been going on campus, meeting new people, and forming friendships. God has been putting some really great people in my path: Jessica, Sarah, Emilie, Lucille, Alice, Pauline. I know that you don't know these people, but they're so fun, and I can't wait to get to know them better!

A run-down of my typical week goes like this:

Monday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8:30-? English club

Tuesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Bible study

Wednesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 6:30-8 Meeting/Worship
- 8-? Agape Bible study

Thursday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8-? The-O-Show (discussion group)

Friday
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Project family night

Saturday is my day off, and Sunday is our day with the Lord. During the week, we meet up with new French friends during free time, too, so by the weekend, I'm exhausted. But in a good way, of course. Like I've been poured out. Like I'm spent.

God has been teaching me so much as well, and He has been so faithful to continue to pour into me so I can in turn pour out to others. Both on my team and people I meet. It's really cool to experience. Though I haven't been the best steward of my times of rest. And I've definitely felt the repercussions of those times.

I feel like one big thing that God has done for me the past few weeks was to increase my view of Him. In the past, God has increased my view of Him by doing great things. But the past 3 weeks He's done it just by letting me get to know Him better. Just being intimate with me, talking to me, showing me verses about Himself that expand my thoughts, expand my heart. And let me tell you. I want more.

On campus, we do a photo survey called Soularium. Basically, there are 50 photos and 3 questions. People answer the questions [1. One photo that describes your life; 2. One photo to describe religion in France; 3. One photo to describe your personal view of God], and then we talk about their answers. Lately, there's one particular photo that has been resonating with me.














It's a little bizarre, I know. And I would've never picked it before project. But in this photo, I'm the lizard. And God is holding me [obvi]. And I'm just getting a taste of God - just a little, because right now my mouth is too small. But I like what I'm tasting. And my mouth is slowly getting bigger, my friend. And I'm loving it.

Anyway, be praying for the ministry here, and my last two weeks in Montpellier. God is doing big things. Always.

Love.

Work Horse [To make something new, you must destroy what it once was.]

Tomorrow, May 24, I move out of my apartment. The rest of the summer project arrives. Wow, this semester has gone by so quickly. I can barely put it into words. So I won't yet.

Kate, a friend from summer project last summer, came to visit on Saturday. Talk about nostalgia. Being in the same city in which we served together brought back so many memories. We walked all around, talking, laughing, seeing old friends. So good.

Last night, I spent the night with Stephanie and Jeanette. Marelie and Claire were there, too. We watched Despicable Me, ate popcorn, and talked. It was good to have a girls' night.

And now, here I am, packing up 4 months of my life into 1 suitcase, 1 backpack, and 1 box. It's bizarre, because living in Montpellier is normal for me now. Living in this tiny studio apartment on this busy street with creepers lurking everywhere. Haha. That last part is only half true. But when I leave in July, I will have been here almost 6 months. I haven't lived in one place that long since I graduated high school.

But I told Eric yesterday that this is what's normal for me now. It's going to weird going back to the States. I'm sure I'll fall right back in to step there though. Even if it takes a week or two.

Besides, I suppose no place is really my home [very much so with my last post in mind]. Wherever God takes me, that's where I belong. Right now it's Montpellier. July 1, it'll be Illinois. Mid-August, it'll probably be Minnesota.

Obedience. That's what's on my mind right now. I've been searching for a word to contain all my thoughts today, and that would be it. Obedience. Not just doing something, but the state of being while doing something.

Obedience. Going to France. Obedience. Being told to go home. Obedience. Trying to find some sort of self-control. Obedience. Dancing in the light of direction. Obedience. Hanging your head and walking into a battle that you'll lose so that the war can be won. Obedience. Losing yourself so that you are truly found. Obedience.

Obedience. And all this time I've thought I was in control. And all this time I thought I could do this. I was a fool.

♫ I live less like a work horse, more like a slave. ♫

There's a difference in following and being lead I think. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But being lead involves submission. A submission that I'm not capable of without God. I'm too proud. Indeed. That something I was reminded of even this morning as I was reading Titus.

And as summer project is starting, I want to be obedient. I was to serve as Christ came to serve. But goodness, I've got to shuck my prideful, reins-stealing, big-headed, selfish ego. I'm praying God will give me a ticket for the humility train.

"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone." - Titus 3:1-2

I'll be keeping you updated on project via this blog. Though not as frequently as I'd like. Internet will be scarce.

Love.

Heaven, part 2 [We Belong Elsewhere].

I finished my semester of study abroad yesterday. I had two exams yesterday, 3 Tuesday, and 1 Monday. And now it's over. It doesn't feel like it, as I'll be staying in Montpellier for 6 more weeks. Talk about anti-climactic.

Actually, that's only half true. Things here are going to change for me. No more class with ministry on the side. The summer project arrives on Tuesday, and it's ministry only for the next 40 days or so. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

However...

My heart is heavy right now. As it was last night.

Last night we had Bible study. And it was amazing. Such good conversation about Matthew 19:16-30. About the young rich man. You know the story. [If you don't, that's okay. Sorry for assuming.] We had some pretty intense discussion, actually. Followed by some sweet Gospel sharing. Then prayer. It was so great to have fellowship like that. I feel like it's pretty few and far between here. At least for me. Maybe that's not true. But that's how I've been feeling.

While Joakim [a French guy who is more Californian than anyone from California will ever be] was sharing his thoughts last night, I was suddenly taken by a couple different emotions.

Thankful. Joyful. Proud. Sad.

I'm going to miss this so much. These people here - my friends, my community, people that touched my heart and changed me with knowing it. How am I supposed to leave them? Knowing the chances of me seeing them again are slim?

I shouldn't dwell on that. God could lead me back here. But I've been homesick off and on for months. Is that really something I want? Does it matter what I want? Especially when I don't know what the heck that even is anymore. I want to stay; I want to go home.

♫ single Minded, whole hearted, one thing I ask: that I may gaze upon Your beauty, oh Lord; that I may seek Your Holy Face; that I may know You in an intimate way; and follow after You all of my days... ♫

One thing for sure. I want to be with Jesus. He has everything I'm searching for, everything I want. And the more I find Him, the more I'm looking for Him. Oh, lyrics just popped in my head again.

♫ to have found You and still be looking for You. It's the soul's paradox of love. ♫

I love me some old school Newsboys. Good stuff.

Anyway, so as these thoughts of leaving this life I've lived here for 5 months, I just think heaven. And how great it will be. And how I'll see these people again. Last semester, I had some good discussions with people as to whether we'll recognize friens and loved ones in heaven or not. I think we will. I actually think that quite strongly.

I think that praising God alongside these French friends will be so glorifying to Him. Far more than I could do alone. Maybe that's not true. He knows. I'm just making statements. Maybe I'm missing the point. That it won't matter that they're beside me because Jesus will be there, too. And He's captivating. Intoxicating. He outshines all other things.

But my heart is heavy wishing that they'd stay in my life longer. As my friend, Philippe said, life is full of saying goodbye to everyone. Except the person you marry. They'll probably follow you wherever you go.

Ah, Philippe. He has such a way with words.

Another wise friend - shoutout to BD - told me not to become numb to goodbyes. I pray that never happens to me. Just because hurts, doesn't mean I'll stray away from them.

43 days to go. Here's to spending as much time as I can with these people that I love. So much that it tears my heart in two to leave. Knowing that God will put it back to together, let me cry with Him, and provide exactly what I need until I see them again and/or I'm finally completely in His arms.

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." - 1 Thessalonians 2:8

Love.

Pants [The weekend I try to speak French like it's English.]

Oh my word. I want to tell you about the super sweet weekend I just had. Maybe the best weekend I've had yet while being in France. I'm currently trying to remember a better weekend in my life. I'm sure there's one, but it's late, and I can't think of it.

Saturday morning, I went to the grocery store to get items for a picnic. These items included [but are not limited to] bread, water, apples, generic pringles [original kind - I was too short to reach the sour cream and onion, and no one was around to ask for help], and some banana chewy candy things. I then returned to my apartment, threw clothes in a bag, and walked about 12 minutes to the meeting spot.

The meeting spot isn't secretive at all. It's where two tram lines meet; there's a little street behind line 2. Josias parked his car along this street and was waiting for Stephanie and I. I arrived with my backpack full of random stuff [clothes, toiletries, Bible, etc] and my bag of picnic things.

Let me preface the rest of this story by saying that I was not planning on going anywhere this weekend. At Agape Wednesday, Josias mentioned a weekend hiking trip at his house in Les Cevennes [mountains north of Montpellier], but I hadn't heard about this yet, as Josias didn't have my e-mail address. I'd thought briefly about going but kind of forgot about it Friday night. I decided to go on a whim as I've only been out of Montpellier 3 times since I got here in early January. For a total of 5 days. I needed a break before project starts.

So Stephanie was late to the meeting place. But that was easily forgiven, as she was making us a cake. Josias and I talked a little - we don't know each other too well, and he doesn't speak any English [though he seems to know tons of English vocab. I'm suspicious.].

An hour and a half of driving found us in Valleraugue, a little village in the mountains where Josias' parents live. But they weren't there - they were in Sete. It was so cute and cozy; I loved it right away.














It was raining when we arrived, so we had our picnic on the enclosed terrace. It was lovely. Lots of talking, laughing, and eating. And drinking tea. Good stuff.

It quit raining, so we got in the car and drove a little ways a mini-parking lot near the start of trail. We got out and started hiking. Oh my. It was uphill for hours. I'm not exaggerating. We hiked for about 6 hours. The first 2.5 were purely uphill. It was intense. And since I only have converse, flip-flops, flats, and cowboy boots in France, I was wearing borrowed boots. Borrowed boots work but not for 6 hours.

So after lots of sweat, a weird pain in my left hip, a few breaks, lots of pictures, and crazy laughter, our hike was over. Oh and sweet, sweet views.















So during this hike, things may have been said. Okay, in all honestly, we talked the whole 6 hours. But I mean things that didn't quite work. Because I spoke French all weekend. Which was good. Great for me, actually, as I have my final oral exam tomorrow morning. But with so many things said, something embarrassing is bound to come out of my mouth.

For example, I had to jump from a rock to the ground below. As I did this, I said, "Il faut trouver un espace solid pour l'atterrissage." Basically, this means, "I need to find a solid space for the landing." "Landing" as in what planes do after a flight. Yeah, that's the word I use.

Later, we were taking a break, and I mentioned I was tired. Stephanie told me that when she's fatigued, she pretends orks are chasing her. So Josias proceeded to tell me that one was behind me. After a few me, I spouted off, "Fine, he can just eat me." Well, I thought that's what I said. I was told by Stephanie and Josias that I said, "Fine, he can just eat YOU." We had a good laugh. Stupid pronouns.

So we got back to Josias' parents house [though we did get rained on during our hike], and he made us dinner while we listened to some sweet worship music. After eating some great cheese, drinking some good wine, and telling lots of stories, we all went to bed. I was asleep in an instant. The silence of the country was amazing after months with the noise of the city.

I woke up before my alarm went off and read some 2 Kings. It was okay - I'm at the part where all the kings are dumb and bad. We got ready, had breakfast together, then went on a tour of Valleraugue. It was so cute, and Josias explained everything to us. He's a history major. Ph. D, I think?


















We then loaded up in the car and headed to the national park near the village. I got a little car sick [no puke; just weird stomach feeling, you know?], but once we arrived at the summit of Mont Aigoual, it was totally worth. There was actually this sweet weather station there in a fake castle. Not fake as in dumb looking. Just not medieval apparently. Apparently, it's one of the windiest, snowiest, rainiest places in France. And the view blew my mind.
















After having a picnic, we walked around the meteorological museum a little, then headed back to Josias'. We talked more. Ate cake. And he played his bagpipe for us. No big deal :)

So I'm home now. In my apartment, that is. Not in the States. It feels good to be back. I'm well rested and ready to tackle this week of exams. Wish me luck.

Love.

[I have no comprehensive title for this post.]

To each his own. We are all made differently. We all have different thoughts. We all have different preferences. Me, I think I prefer quieter worship with mini-dancing. Tonight, I experienced crazy worship that was loud, in French, and featured lots of dancing. I'm truly a head-bob kind of girl. And I don't like clapping. That's just me. And it was fun, nonetheless.

I finished class yesterday. I have finals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. But not many. Then I have a few days off until summer project! Woohoo! I'm getting more and more excited for that.

I love it here [lately]. And I love my people here more than I can imagine. Leaving is going to be hard. But I'm pushing that to the back of my mind for now.

Favorite American-ism that I taught my friends this week: food baby. So useful.

So, I've learned a lot while I've been here in Montpellier. Apparently, according to timeanddate.com, I've been in Montpellier for 119 days, and I have 49 to go. Well it's after midnight. So 48.

Hopefully, I'll learn a lot in the next 48 days. But here's a brief list of what I've learned so far.

Things I've Learned Thus Far in Montpellier:

- Even when you think you're speaking French, you may very well not be understood at all.

- BBQ sauce isn't that bad.

- That person you never thought you'd get over? You can.

- If tuna was the only good left in the world, I would survive. It may smell badly, but it just tastes like poor-quality salmon.

- Having a wolf drawn on you hand is more fun after 10pm.

- There's nothing more fun than riding in a car when you haven't done it in months. But it's still scary in France

- Just because you get a second chance at love with someone, doesn't mean it will work out. Life isn't like the movies in this regard.

- If you have to clean before the cleaning lady comes, your apartment is too messy.


I'll keep you updated on other life lessons. Moi, I'm going to spend the weekend hiking in the mountains. Can't wait.

Love.

Heaven [I don't have a choice..]

You can always tell how my night was by my hair the next morning. If I was dead tired and slept like a rock, by hair is a MESS when I wake up. If my hair looks good, typically, I went to bed at a decent hour and got a good night's sleep. If my hair is up in a messy bun, that means I had a bad night. That I tried to go to bed, couldn't sleep for some reason, and finally crashed. Typically emotionally exhausted as well as physically.

It's 1:23am, and my hair is in a bun right now. My heart is heavy. I miss my mom. I don't say this often, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. Always.

♫ When death, like a gypsy, comes to steal what I love, I will still look to the heavens; I will still seek Your face♫

Not that I'm always sad. It's not that at all. But it is that there's a part of me that's broken, that can never be repaired in this lifetime.

We all have this actually. We are all separated from God. And we're not meant to be separated. We're made to be with God. In all honesty, this God-separation is so much bigger than anything else we deal with. But we've never had full communion with God, so I guess we don't fully know what we're missing.

♫ And though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around, You have calmed greater waters; higher mountains have come down. ♫

Heaven is going to be so sweet. I'm just saying. Full communion with God. Something we can't even fathom. You know that hole you feel? That hole that you try to fill with things, with people, with yourself? That hole will finally be filled. Completely. And you know, you will finally be the real you.

No, you weren't created like you are now. You're created to be something else. You're created to be something better. What stops you from being that?

Sin. Sin changes you. It mars you. You become less of yourself. And the worst part is [though not the real worst part. that's being away from God. but another bad part...] we don't even realize this. We call this sin - these parts of us that are alien, that come from outside of us, this ugliness - we call this ourselves. We are defined by these things. Oh, but it's not true.

Yes, it's the flesh. And we're human, for sure. But we're made in God's image, for goodness' sake. As C.S Lewis said somewhere:

"You don't have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body."

A temporary temple. One in which the curtain needs to be completely and permanently torn still. And oh, how I'm waiting for that day.

♫ There is a land of pure delight, where saints, immortal, reign. Infinite day excludes the night, and pleasures banish pain... Could we but climb where Moses stood and view the landscape o'er... ♫

So as I'm sitting here, missing my mom, wishing I was asleep. I have just a few more thoughts.

Though my heart is broken missing her, I wouldn't trade memories of her for less pain. These memories bring me joy as well. I never want to forget a single thing.

She's with Jesus as we speak. And every pain that she ever felt has simply melted away as the glories and pleasures she's experiencing are radiating from Christ. True communion with the living and loving God.

"Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it." - Revelation 2:17

Love.

Hello, God [I love You, too]

My good mood has lasted far longer than I thought it would. But after a month or more of being in a mediocre funk mixed in with plenty of bad days, I'm surprised that I've been feeling great since Friday. It's only Tuesday.

Is it a lack of faith that I doubted this could happen? I prayed for this; maybe I should have expected it to come to pass. That's a topic God and I are talking about. We've been talking about it on and off for a year now.

In my journals, I write questions that come up as I'm thinking or reading my Bible or praying. I used to forget about these questions while remembering that there had been question. It would drive me crazy. So I started highlighting these questions.

Today or tomorrow [realistically, it will probably take me a lot longer], I'm going through my old journal's questions that I haven't looked up answers to. Some of the good ones are:

-What does fear of the Lord look like?
-How do you combat spiritual warfare?
-Saul summoned Samuel's spirit after he had died. What's up with that?
-What is the relationship between faith and God acting?
-Is building up treasures in heaven by itself a good enough reason to do something?

This should be interesting. In theory. But I want answers to these things with the goal of knowing more about God. Because I love Him. Because He first loved me.

Sometimes God unexpectedly kisses me on the forehead. For example, yesterday I went to the bookstore. It was completely unplanned. I had time to kill between going to The Phone House [real name of phone store] and meeting some friends returning from East Asia at the train station. So I headed to a used bookstore that carries some English books. I'd found a book I've been wanting for a long time there a few weeks before, but I didn't buy it. Dumb move. When I went back, it was gone.

I went to the bookstore yesterday with the intention of looking for that book again. It still wasn't there. I also had in mind to look for a French book [actually, it's the French translation of Ten Little Indians by Agatha Christie; I love that book]. It wasn't there either. So as I was leaving, slightly disappointed, I glanced at the floor. I do this sometimes. And there, until a table in a box labeled "1 euro" was the name "Michael Crichton".

Michael Crichton in my favorite author. Well, he might have been replaced by C.S Lewis. But I love him anyway. I own a lot of his books. But one that I don't own is Airframe. That's the book that was in the 1 euro box of books. What? Are you kidding me? Totally unexpected find.

When things like this happen to me, I'm convinced it's God sending me a little love note, reminding me what I mean to Him. Not that these things are significant. He showed His love for me when Christ died in my place. But God knows how my heart works. I want to be pursued. I want to be wooed. And whoa, does He ever woo my wandering heart back to Him.

"Leave to your God to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain."

Love.

Honestly [Today I'll trust You with a confidence of a man who's never known defeat.]

I'm in a much better frame of mind today than I have been for quite a while. Honestly, the last month has had some really rough moments. But God and I have been slowly [read: pain-stakingly] working through this.

Last night, I got a text from a French friend, Yann. He asked if I wanted to see Thor with him at 8. Since I hadn't done anything that day and because I hadn't seen Yann in over a week, I said yes. Well, it ended up being me, Yann, Ben, Albin, and Christian. And let me tell you, those French men are crazy when they're together. I got to hear about how hott Natalie Portman is, they did weird [maybe secret, but I doubt it] handshakes, and they raved about the movie. I never felt awkward, and I contributed a little [yeah, the movie was good; I prefer Thor to Natalie Portman, etc]. Honestly, though, I felt more like an anthropologist thrown into a French college guy's natural habitat. So I mostly just observed. It was fun.

I also liked analyzing my interactions with all of them. At first I thought it would be some sort of direct relationship with how much time I've spent with them individually. I was wrong. You have to consider their relationships with each other as well. It turns out [though I knew this previously] that I was with 2 sets of best friends. However, I'm very good friends with 1 man from each set. But I know one of those far better than the other. Confused yet? However, I also know the third man far better than the fourth. To explain:

::::: There are 4 French men: A, B, C, D. A and B are best friends, as are C and D. I'm very close to A and C, though A more than C. B and I kind of know each other, though I think of all of them, I technically met him first. D and I are slowly becoming good friends as my French progresses. [Side note: I consider A the biggest contributor to my French progress]. So to break this down even further, I will use a diagram with relative proximity to me.

:: Me::::A:::C:::::D:::::::::::::B.

I think that's pretty accurate.

Moving on. The movie was pretty good. It may have been my first 3D movie? Save the ones I saw in junior high at the Omnimax theater. And it was all in French. But I understood most of it. I consider that a win.

I think this morning, I started a new tradition for myself. Unless I have something else to do, I will spend extra time in bed on Saturday mornings reading a Biblical commentary. It was quite enjoyable. Now, I just have to get my hands on a few more. I'm also starting a new journal either tomorrow or the next day [depending on how much I write today]. I believe this is somehow related to what I just said. If not, that's okay.

Tonight, I'll be attending a casual dinner. Why? Because Elder is back in Montpellier! Who is Elder, you ask? Only one of my favorite people in the entire year. Mostly, I just like the peculiar story of our friendship. We met in Montpellier last summer. It was my first week of summer project, and I went to the The-O-Show [a French discussion group that Agape puts on]. I was at a table with Craig [a STINTer], Ben [a French Christian philosophy major], Jonas [I believe one of my friends called him the French version of Paul, evangelically], and Elder [a Colombian Christian in his early 30's who had lived in France for a few years]. The topic that night was harmony, and we had a good discussion. Thankfully, everyone at my table spoke English.

The next Sunday, I'm sitting on the end of the row at church with my summer project, and someone plops down next to me. It was Elder! We ended up sitting by each other at church for the next 4 or 5 Sundays. We'd always talk awhile after church, too. Whenever I hear the song "Blessed Be the Name", I think of Elder, because that's his favorite song. Though in French, it's "Beni Soit Ton Nom".

My last night in Montpellier, Elder invited me over for dinner at his apartment and told me to bring a few friends. I brought two: one from Mexico [Elder requested I invite her, as he wanted to speak Spanish] and my French friend Julien [he and Elder were already friends lol]. It was a blast!

Elder and I have e-mailed a few times the past few months, and I'm excited to see him tonight. So excited.

"And as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me..."

Love.

More [Praise to the Giver of good things.]

I've been having a lot of thoughts lately. Haha, what a way to start a blog post. But anyway, back to my original train of thought [as I never know how long these will last], I've been thinking a lot lately. Nothing too profound, but closer to profound than not profound. Profound to me, maybe not to the rest of the world. But isn't that what profound is? It changes us... to heck with everyone else's reactions.

So I'm sitting at my desk looking out my window. As it has been the past few days, it's a little cloudy today. Not too bad, just more clouds than not clouds in the sky. I'm sitting at my desk [but on my bed, never in my desk chair. with the computer perched perfectly near the corner]. I have a mug of coffee even though it's 12:23pm. Instant Starbucks. Caramel flavored. It's in my mom's old mug that says "Janet". Under her name it says, "Character: A compassionate person whose concern for others is great, your thoughtful actions inspire and continually motivate. With people you extend a deep, tender, loving care, making your special heart exceptional and rare." I miss my mom.

I'm a different person than the last time I talked to her. This bothers me a little. But I do like the person I'm becoming. I think she would, too.

Lately, I've been breaking one of my general life rules. I've been reading 5 books at the same time. If you count books of the Bible that number jumps up to 7. Usually I read a maximum of 3 books at one time: a book for fun, an Old Testament book, and a New Testament book. When I say an OT book, that generally means Psalms. I like to read a Psalm a day. Or two if that day's Psalm was short. But I have a lot of extra time on my hands right now [we don't have class this week or next week].

My dad sent me Narnia. All 7 books in one big volume. I read the first two, now I'm taking a brief break. I'm reading The Problem of Pain by C.S Lewis. I'm reading More Than a Carpenter in French. I'm reading a commentary on Joshua, Judges, Samuel, and Kings. I'm reading 2 Samuel right now. I'm reading Mark, but only on my date nights with Jesus. I'm reading the Psalms. I think that's it. I'm not really close to finishing any of them. Well, I'm almost done with Psalms, but I may start Proverbs after that. D'habitude.

I went to the museum on Saturday because it was raining. It was kind of boring, but I loved being with my friend Josias, Marelie, Albin, and Spencer. They're fun. Easter was really good - church, lunch with the STINTers, games afterward, a long time with Katy, and calling home to finish off my night. So good. The next few days were boring, but yesterday many of us went to a friend's place for lunch. We ended up staying about 5 hours or so. Today I'm going to the beach I think. For a book club. Hence More than a Carpenter in French.

I'm a future girl. That is to say, I think about the future a lot. I read in a book once that this isn't good. We should constantly be in the present because it is more like eternity than the past or the future. Because all time is the present for God. Crazy to think about, huh? It also said that the past is better to think about than the future because it has at least had the present run through it. Anyway, I think about the future a lot. I think about the person I want to become.

I want to write. I want to love. I want to labor. I want to not struggle with the things I'm struggling with now. But why do I put these things away on the shelf of some time that may never come? Why don't I do these things now? So I'm trying to. And I've starting praying for self-control, because I realized I don't have as much of that as I'd like. And if God wishes to grow spiritual fruit in us, why would he not answer that prayer? In His timing, of course. Which may very well not be now. He knows better than I do, though I often don't live like I believe that.

The other side of my mom's mug has a 'list' of things about the name "Janet".
- Personality: "Engaging, decisive, and wise. You are easy to be with and others seek out your kind company."
- Origin: Hebrew. Meaning: God is gracious. Number: 4 [what?].
- Color: Turquoise. Animal: Ladybug [what? I'm allergic to these]. Plant: Tulip
- Variations: Jan, Janna, Janeta, Janette, Jannet, Jennetta.

Weird.

"If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness; therefore, You are feared." - Psalm 130:3-4

Forgiveness leads to fear?

Love.

Things I Probably Love More Than You.

[Just to clarify, the title of this post is not saying that I love these things more than I love you. It means I love these things more than you love these things. I know, of course, that I can't know this. I hope you're not offended.]

I recently realized that there are certain things that I absolutely love. They make me so excited when I see them, hear them, think about them, etc. This isn't bizarre; I'm convinced that everyone has their own particular little quirks. I just thought I'd share mine with you.

-The way French people say my name. As far as I know, no one's name is pronounced the exact same way in both languages. Duh. But I love the way they say my name. And I hate the way I try to say it in the French accent. One of my goals by the time I leave is to be able to say my name like my French friends do. When I come home, I may not be able to say my name in the American way. We'll see how that goes.

---[Side note. I hate trying to introduce myself to French people. It takes 2 or 4 times for them to understand. It's no fault of theirs. It's because of the reason mentioned above.]

-Highlighters. I don't actually use highlighters that often. The pages in my Bible are too thin, so I underline. I take some notes in class, but I write down what's important. Why highlight the most important of the important? That's overkill. Nevertheless, I almost always have my yellow highlighter with me. I'm convinced it's an object of security for me.

-Saying really outrageous things.
Honestly, I just love saying things that couldn't possibly be true. I call almost everything my favorite thing ever. I say things are the best when they are just good. Sometimes I say things that aren't true just to be outrageous. Not lying. For example, if we're talking about 1879, I might say that I remember it because I was just a wee lass back then. I don't say this to be funny. I just say it because it couldn't possibly be true. I used to think that one day I'd grow out of this, but I really don't want to.


That's all I've got for now. Life here is going quite well. Today is my first day of break! We get too weeks off because of Easter! When you throw weekends (and the fact that I don't have class Friday), that's a lot of time without classes. I have 3 goals for these two weeks: spend time with God, work on support raising for summer project, and get tan. That's it. And I'm gonna call it in that order, too. Which never happens with my lists. Oops. That was shear coincidence.

Keep praying for us here, please. We need it.

Love.

Binge Reading

I just finished reading my first French book, Le Petit Prince [The Little Prince]. It was only 95 pages long, and there were pictures on a lot of pages. But it was so deep, so profound. I'm still trying to process it.

Basically, the narrator meets The Little Prince in the desert when his vehicle breaks down. The Little Prince detests big people for various reasons - all of them valid. The Little Prince tells the narrator about traveling from planet to planet meeting different types of big people: a king, a businessman, etc. They spend 8ish days in the desert talking, then the Little Prince has to go back to his planet to take care of his flower. He can't do this without dying.

Anyway, it was in French, so I'm sure I missed a lot. But I plan on reading it in English as soon as I get back to the States.

I also just finished reading The Color Purple by Alice Walker after starting it 2.5 days ago. It helps that I'm sick, but it was a fast read. My friend, Philippe, had a book list for his English class and bought The Color Purple to read. But he started it, said it was hard, and let me borrow it. It would definitely be hard for a non-native English speaker to read.

It's about 2 African-American sisters living in the south in the early 1900's, and the words are written just how they would be pronounced. Some of it was difficult for me to understand. Anyway, it was a really interesting book. There were a lot of dark things, some thoughts about God, and I cried at the end. That's all I have to say about it. Oh, and I'm not suggesting you read it. If you want to, do it. But I have a lot of other books that I'd recommend.

I finished reading Joshua, too, which was the commencement (gosh, I'm so French right now) of reaching my goal of being an Old Testament scholar. Joshua was good, of course. Lots of key history, super applicable verses, and a beautiful analogy of following the law vs. Jesus (thanks to my good friend, Aaron, for pointing that one out to me). This particular book, I would highly recommend.

Now onto Judges and The Chronicles of Narnia. I hope this reading binge lasts a long time.

Love.

One of These Things is Not Like the Other.

It's Monday. I enjoy Mondays in general. Depending on the semester. And this semester, Mondays aren't bad at all. I only have 2.5 hours of class and then English club is in the evening. I love English club.

So today is Monday which means that yesterday was Sunday. And what happened yesterday? Beaucoup de chose. But I'd like to talk about one thing in particular: Le Culte en Commun. What is that? Never fear; I'm going to tell you.

First of all, I'd like to just say that sometimes French words and English words aren't the same. Duh, right? But many words in the two languages are similar. So when you come across a word that looks like an English word, you can often guess the meaning. However, this doesn't work all the time. When the meaning is something completely different, we call this set of words "Faux amis" or "False friends". I hate them.

[Side note: I do have a favorite pair of false friends. "Preservatif" does not mean "preservative". It means "condom". I find this very funny.]

Anyway, all this was said to help explain Le Culte en Commun. In French, a "culte" is not a "cult". It is a religious service or a worship service. So Le Culte en Commun was just that. A common worship service.

Not common as in ordinary. Common as in together. Like having things in common. Maybe communal was a better explanation. But I trust you get the idea.

So yesterday, most of the Protestant churches (I was told all, but I don't know if that's true) in Montpellier got together and had one big church service in the Corum (which is like a big auditorium in the center of town). They do this every 2 years, and it was amazing! We sang together, prayed together, and listened to a few people speak briefly. It was so moving to worshiping the One and Only God with these French believers. It gave me so much hope for this city.

At the same time, it saddened me though. I was sitting in the balcony (which wasn't full) and was looking down on the lower level (which wasn't full), and all I could think was that there are probably more people that attend one church in Minneapolis like Bethlehem Baptist or Hope Community than were in the Corum that morning. I pray that I'm bad at estimating.

But praising God together was great. Most of Agape had come, and we all sat together, which was wonderful. After we went to the Skurs and had pancakes :) What a lovely day.

Pray for the people here. Pray for more laborers. Pray that God moves in this city in a big way.

Love.

Trip to Paris and Other Random Happenings.

Life in Montpellier has still been trucking along. I can't believe it's already April! I'll only be in France for 3 more months! Which seems like a long time, but the time has been going so fast! I do miss home, though. Mostly people at home that I love. But life here is good. My French is improving still. I've been spending a lot of time with friends still. I have quite the nice routine.

Since it's been a long, I'll share a few random stories from the past 2 weeks. And these probably won't be in chronological order, I'm guessing. Because my mind doesn't work like that.

- Last night was The-O-Show. I'm not sure if I've talked about it before, but it's a discussion group that Agape puts on every other week. Each The-O-Show has a different theme (harmony, forgiveness, good news or bad news, love, the rights of man, etc). It's just a great place for believer and non-believers to come together and discuss their ideas about said topics. It's in French (unless you're lucky [unlucky?] and get a English speaking table), and I LOVE it! Last night, the theme was the rights of man, and I was at a table with 2 STINTers, 3 philosophy majors, and a French man who's been a believer for a month. It was intense and awesome. MIND BLOWN.

- The message at church 2 Sundays ago was epic. It was about catastrophes and bad things that happen, but God is still good through it all. Because God is completely good and completely powerful. It was super applicable and encouraging.

- Oh, I went to Paris last weekend! It was amazing! I met my good friend, Megan, there. We're in the same Bible study at the U of M, and she's spending the semester in London. So we met in Paris for the weekend! Yay!! We saw the Eiffel Tower, the Moulin Rouge, the Arc de Triomphe, Notre Dame, the Catacombs, and tons of other things! It was great to get away from Montpellier for the first in 2.5 months and to see Megan again. But by Sunday afternoon, I was ready to get back and get back to work!

- A random man came up to me on campus yesterday and asked me for my name. I asked him why. He told me that I was beautiful and that he'd like to see me again. I didn't know what to say, as this was quite forward. After the conversation, all I could think about was that I'd just talked to this completely random French man in French and ONLY French for like 4 minutes. And it was easy. BOOM. Success.

Anyway, I'm distracted now, and thus out of stories. But I do have prayer requests!

Please pray:
-I'll continue to take steps of faith.
-For more spiritual conversations.
-For the faith of the new believers here. And the older believers. And every believer.
-That God will raise up laborers for France: French and others.
-That laborers here will depend on God, not on themselves.

Hmmm. That is all for now.

Love.

My New Favorite Thing

I'm going to preface this post with saying that one of my new favorite things is saying "my new favorite thing". I know I've always been one to exaggerate and use superlatives. This is just supporting that fact, I believe.

I'm also a person of phases. I think this is true of most people; mine are typically shorter than most, I think. Maybe I'm wrong, though. For example, here are a few of my phases that I've gone through in my life:

Curling my hair. This phase has actually happened twice. Both times it lasted approximately 3 weeks; these phases were approximately 2 years apart. Both times I just got lazy and quit curling my hair.

Lighthouses. When I was about 13 or 14, I was obsessed with lighthouses for approximately 2 months. I thought they were the most beautiful things. I talked about them all the time. Then, I was so abruptly over them. The downfall to this: the ending to this phase happened about 3 days before Christmas. Most things I received for Christmas were lighthouse related. Young teen Jordan was disappointed that no one saw this change in interests coming. Even back then, I knew how easily my interests changed.

Edgar Allan Poe. This lasted about a month and a half one summer. I wanted to read everything he had ever written. I don't this phase at all (or most of them in fact), because he wrote some great stuff, and I enjoyed reading it. I still read him from time to time.

Taking Vitamins. I'm a little ashamed of this one. Only because I know I should take vitamins all the time. But I don't. About two years ago, I used to take a multi-vitamin every day. That lasted less than two months. Then I just forgot about it. Recently, however, I've been taking one every day because I've been living on coffee and yogurt (because that's all I have in my apartment), and I feel guilty about my poor diet. So I take a vitamin to make myself feel better.


But okay. Those are past phases. On to my current new favorite things! This will just be a list, because who knows how long these will last.

Saying "My New Favorite Thing"
Listening to French rap music.
Drinking tea
Painting my nails
Writing down new French words that I'm learning


And finally, I think it would be nice to share with you my loves that have spanned the test of time (well, I haven't gotten tired of them yet). I swear, I'm not super fickle. I hope.

- Jesus. [He's not one to get over, though. He'll always be around :) ]
- My love for sleeping.
- Dancing.
- Really nerdy love, part a: Dragonball Z.
- Really nerdy love, part b: Star Trek.
- Angst-filled music.

I'm sure there's others. But if I tell you everything about myself now, what will we talk about in the future?

Love.

Radio Silence and Attitude

[Normally this is the part of the blog where I apologize for having not written in a long time. But I do that every new blog, so I'm just going to say that 12 days is unacceptable; I know.]

What to write about? Hmmm. A lot has happened to me in the past two week, and of course, I've happened to a lot of things as well. However, the thing that's currently on my mind is that I received another care package! So exciting! This time it contained: peanut butter, post-its, Mere Christianity, 2 nail polishes, instant Starbucks(!), bobby pins, and lots of letters :) I feel so loved. Yay!

Hmmmm. A vision trip from Minnesota has been here this past week. What is a vision trip, you ask? It's a week-long trip to check out the ministry here. It's been great to have more UofMers here with us! They've been so encouraging!

What else? I ran into some Mormons today, and I'm just going to say that Minnesota-nice went out the window. I wasn't rude, but I was definitely blunt. Oops.

Oh! I gave a presentation on Wednesday. It was supposed to be for 10 minutes, all in French. I talked for about 14, then my professor and classmates proceeded to ask me questions. For 11 more minutes. It was great! What did I talk about to spark such great conversation? Christian rap. The 116 Clique actually. I know, great idea. And it was so fun to talk about them and share samples of music with me class. Way to go, God, for the inspiration!

I've been teaching my friend Lea really great American-attitude phrases like "Girl, please." "What did you say? (With hand on hip; this one's in French though)", and some others. I also taught her the model walk. So much fun. She's awesome, too. I feel so blessed to get to know her better recently :)

We had an outreach-type thing tonight. Basically, we got together, made sandwiches, and went out in small groups to distribute the sandwiches, bananas, and soup to homeless people. There was about 40 people who helped! French, American; believers and non-believers. It was so cool!

In general, life here has been really great. God is still doing great things here. And I trust He will continue to do so. I read a verse in Luke today that I thought I'd share:

"After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves." - Luke 10:1-3

I've read these verses a lot of time, but today they really hit me. I just thought I'd share that. Sorry if my thoughts are jumbled. I'm tired.

Love.

When You Roll out of Bed at 1PM, You End Up Writing a Blog at 1:30AM

Dang, I've had a week of break and still haven't kept up my blog in a timely manner. My apologies. However, since it is break, there's not a whole lot to report. Here is a brief synopsis of my week.

Monday
English club. Hmmm. I don't really remember what else I did that day.

Tuesday
Lunch at a little pasta place with Yann. Following a lovely penne carbonara with a coke, we watched "The King's Speech". In English. With French subtitles. Though I have nothing to compare it to, I think that's the best way to watch it :)

Wednesday
Read a lot. Wrote in my newest novel a lot. Went to the movies again. This time I saw "Sans Identite". Also known as "Unknown". However, this time the movie was in French. With no subtitles. I was with Adam and his friends, so they helped me out when I didn't understand. Which was often.

Thursday
Lots of reading. Lots of writing. Lots of cleaning. In the evening, Philippe came over, and we watched a movie on my laptop. In English, it's called "Hoodwinked". In French, the title is much longer: "La Véritable Histoire du Petit Chaperon Rouge" which, when translated exactly means something like "The Verifiable Story of Little Red Cape" or something like that. Anyway, we watch "LVHdPCR" (that acronym was ridiculous and I like it) in French. Without subtitles again. However, when the movie was over, Philippe and I Youtubed our favorite Disney songs. In English, French, and French Canadian. Apparently, I speak more like French Canadians than actual French people, which was a little discouraging to me. Oh well.

Friday
On Friday, I met up with my friend, Marélie, and we went to Le Bookshop, which is basically the quaintest little place I've ever been. It's a little café/bookstore. AND ALL THE BOOKS ARE IN ENGLISH. I love it there. So I got a hazelnut espresso, and she got tea. We sat there talking for a little over and hour, then we walked around the bookstore discussing books for another hour or so. Then we walked all around the city.

On Monday, at English club, Adam Roub (a STINTer) informed me that there's an "American" store near my place. It sells bagels, American soda, and all beef hotdogs. Most places have Sprite and Coke, but this new place has Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper. Can you say, "Little piece of heaven"? Because I just did. So on Friday, Marélie and I went on an adventure to find it. And because Adam had given me such great directions, it was easy. We didn't go inside (we weren't hungry or thirsty) until we noticed a man staring at us through the window. And that man was Philippe. He was there with Adam Roub! Small world, I know. Not really. We then went in and said hello.

Friday evening, I went to the movies with Yann again. This time, we saw "Largo Winch 2" (I think the name in English is "The Burma Conspiracy"?) in French. Without subtitles. And I've never seen Largo Winch 1. I understood most of it though. Mostly because the entire movie was action. We then went to a Kebab place; Yann got a sandwich, I got fries and a coke. All the tables were full, so we were going to go sit in the park. But it was late, so only shady people were in the park. Not ideal for eating. I had the bright idea that we could stand against a wall to which Yann replied, "Oui, on peut etre comme les gens de la rue!" which means "Yes, we can be like people of the street!" I knew it was a good idea :) So that's what we did. And we laughed a ton. And spoke Franglais.

Saturday
I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I think my brain hated me for watching 3 movies in French 3 nights in a row. So I gave it the day off. I read some in Luke (so good!), and I finished reading "The Great Divorce" by C.S Lewis. On to another book!

Tomorrow is church and seeing the STINTers who have been gone all week! Then class Monday. And more adventures, I'm sure.

Love.

I Wouldn't Give This All Up for You

It's officially break! Yay! I don't have class all week! I pray this week is restful but also that I take full advantage of it. I want to work on support raising for project a ton. I also want to spend a lot of time in prayer. That's something that's fallen to the wayside as I've gotten busier the past two weeks or so.

I started reading a new book yesterday - The Great Divorce by C.S Lewis. I think I'm becoming a C.S Lewis junky. Oops. There are worse things to be addicted to, right?

You may not know this, but I have a disorder. Some call it Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I call it that, too, but I just wanted to vary my sentence structure. Anyway, because of this disorder (disclaimer: I've never actually been diagnosed. I doubt that I actually have it, in reality) I make lists. That's one reason why I love post-its. I can make a list and stick it on my wall. Goodness, the day I discovered the "Stickies" application on my Mac was such a good day. Here is a list of things I tend to make lists of:

- Books I Want to Read
These lists tend to have time limits. For example, "The Christmas Break Reading List"; "Books of the Bible to Read Next"; or "Books I Have to Read Before I Can Buy More Books".

- To-Do Lists
These also have time limits: day, week, weekend, month. They can vary dramatically in length. Sometimes they're as long as my arm. Other times they're only two items long.

- Groceries
I never remember what I need while I'm actually at the store.

- Things I've never done that I want to do soon
Right now, I would like to share part of that particular list with you. Because this week is break, I plan on marking a lot of things off that list. While in France, I have a special "Things I Will Soon Do for the First Time" list.

These things tend to be small. But I love going on what I call "Non-Adventurous Adventures". Also known as "Doing Things I've Never Done Before". Two weeks ago, I went to a hockey match for the first time. Yesterday, I rode the red tram for the first time. Today, I had a conversation in French on the phone for the first time. Next week, I will eat sushi for the first time. Things I also plan on doing soon:

- Going to the zoo in Montpellier
- Riding the blue tram to the end of the line
- Getting my hair cut in France
- Going to a club

Exciting, I know. I'll keep you updated on my adventures. I promise :)

Love.