♫"You put your arms around me,
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫
I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.
- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)
- Run a half-marathon
- Get one of my books published
- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song
That's all I've got so far.
♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫
I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.
Love.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Chains [Falling on my knees til I love like You love me. I love You.]
I've finally gotten into a decent groove here. Groove, haha. Dumb word choice. But hey, a card laid is a card played. I'm keeping it. Also, by "here" I mean Illinois.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Simplicity. [As I sing about this joy.]
I just got back from my morning run. I was thankful for the coolness of it. It was still 80 degrees, but the humidity was significantly lower thanks for storms last night.
My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.
So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.
Dang.
But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.
God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.
Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.
I hate this.
But.
The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.
"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."
Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.
Even when it's just 13 little words.
Love.
My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.
So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.
Dang.
But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.
God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.
Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.
I hate this.
But.
The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.
"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."
Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.
Even when it's just 13 little words.
Love.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Je Voudrais... [You still have my heart completely.]
I've felt more creative than usual these past few days. Now, I don't consider myself to be a creative person. In fact, I think of myself in quite the opposite light.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Shortest Post Ever.
I've been home for 3 days. It's kind of surreal - almost as if I never left but so different at the same time. And I'm so different. Or maybe I'm the same. I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure I want to.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Don’t Make Me Choose [You wouldn’t like the choice I’d make.]
My long day of travel has started. I’m at the airport early – 45 minutes early. My internet isn’t working, so I’m typing this is Word. I said goodbye to Julien this morning. One of my best friends.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
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