Work Horse [To make something new, you must destroy what it once was.]

Tomorrow, May 24, I move out of my apartment. The rest of the summer project arrives. Wow, this semester has gone by so quickly. I can barely put it into words. So I won't yet.

Kate, a friend from summer project last summer, came to visit on Saturday. Talk about nostalgia. Being in the same city in which we served together brought back so many memories. We walked all around, talking, laughing, seeing old friends. So good.

Last night, I spent the night with Stephanie and Jeanette. Marelie and Claire were there, too. We watched Despicable Me, ate popcorn, and talked. It was good to have a girls' night.

And now, here I am, packing up 4 months of my life into 1 suitcase, 1 backpack, and 1 box. It's bizarre, because living in Montpellier is normal for me now. Living in this tiny studio apartment on this busy street with creepers lurking everywhere. Haha. That last part is only half true. But when I leave in July, I will have been here almost 6 months. I haven't lived in one place that long since I graduated high school.

But I told Eric yesterday that this is what's normal for me now. It's going to weird going back to the States. I'm sure I'll fall right back in to step there though. Even if it takes a week or two.

Besides, I suppose no place is really my home [very much so with my last post in mind]. Wherever God takes me, that's where I belong. Right now it's Montpellier. July 1, it'll be Illinois. Mid-August, it'll probably be Minnesota.

Obedience. That's what's on my mind right now. I've been searching for a word to contain all my thoughts today, and that would be it. Obedience. Not just doing something, but the state of being while doing something.

Obedience. Going to France. Obedience. Being told to go home. Obedience. Trying to find some sort of self-control. Obedience. Dancing in the light of direction. Obedience. Hanging your head and walking into a battle that you'll lose so that the war can be won. Obedience. Losing yourself so that you are truly found. Obedience.

Obedience. And all this time I've thought I was in control. And all this time I thought I could do this. I was a fool.

♫ I live less like a work horse, more like a slave. ♫

There's a difference in following and being lead I think. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But being lead involves submission. A submission that I'm not capable of without God. I'm too proud. Indeed. That something I was reminded of even this morning as I was reading Titus.

And as summer project is starting, I want to be obedient. I was to serve as Christ came to serve. But goodness, I've got to shuck my prideful, reins-stealing, big-headed, selfish ego. I'm praying God will give me a ticket for the humility train.

"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone." - Titus 3:1-2

I'll be keeping you updated on project via this blog. Though not as frequently as I'd like. Internet will be scarce.

Love.

Heaven, part 2 [We Belong Elsewhere].

I finished my semester of study abroad yesterday. I had two exams yesterday, 3 Tuesday, and 1 Monday. And now it's over. It doesn't feel like it, as I'll be staying in Montpellier for 6 more weeks. Talk about anti-climactic.

Actually, that's only half true. Things here are going to change for me. No more class with ministry on the side. The summer project arrives on Tuesday, and it's ministry only for the next 40 days or so. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

However...

My heart is heavy right now. As it was last night.

Last night we had Bible study. And it was amazing. Such good conversation about Matthew 19:16-30. About the young rich man. You know the story. [If you don't, that's okay. Sorry for assuming.] We had some pretty intense discussion, actually. Followed by some sweet Gospel sharing. Then prayer. It was so great to have fellowship like that. I feel like it's pretty few and far between here. At least for me. Maybe that's not true. But that's how I've been feeling.

While Joakim [a French guy who is more Californian than anyone from California will ever be] was sharing his thoughts last night, I was suddenly taken by a couple different emotions.

Thankful. Joyful. Proud. Sad.

I'm going to miss this so much. These people here - my friends, my community, people that touched my heart and changed me with knowing it. How am I supposed to leave them? Knowing the chances of me seeing them again are slim?

I shouldn't dwell on that. God could lead me back here. But I've been homesick off and on for months. Is that really something I want? Does it matter what I want? Especially when I don't know what the heck that even is anymore. I want to stay; I want to go home.

♫ single Minded, whole hearted, one thing I ask: that I may gaze upon Your beauty, oh Lord; that I may seek Your Holy Face; that I may know You in an intimate way; and follow after You all of my days... ♫

One thing for sure. I want to be with Jesus. He has everything I'm searching for, everything I want. And the more I find Him, the more I'm looking for Him. Oh, lyrics just popped in my head again.

♫ to have found You and still be looking for You. It's the soul's paradox of love. ♫

I love me some old school Newsboys. Good stuff.

Anyway, so as these thoughts of leaving this life I've lived here for 5 months, I just think heaven. And how great it will be. And how I'll see these people again. Last semester, I had some good discussions with people as to whether we'll recognize friens and loved ones in heaven or not. I think we will. I actually think that quite strongly.

I think that praising God alongside these French friends will be so glorifying to Him. Far more than I could do alone. Maybe that's not true. He knows. I'm just making statements. Maybe I'm missing the point. That it won't matter that they're beside me because Jesus will be there, too. And He's captivating. Intoxicating. He outshines all other things.

But my heart is heavy wishing that they'd stay in my life longer. As my friend, Philippe said, life is full of saying goodbye to everyone. Except the person you marry. They'll probably follow you wherever you go.

Ah, Philippe. He has such a way with words.

Another wise friend - shoutout to BD - told me not to become numb to goodbyes. I pray that never happens to me. Just because hurts, doesn't mean I'll stray away from them.

43 days to go. Here's to spending as much time as I can with these people that I love. So much that it tears my heart in two to leave. Knowing that God will put it back to together, let me cry with Him, and provide exactly what I need until I see them again and/or I'm finally completely in His arms.

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." - 1 Thessalonians 2:8

Love.

Pants [The weekend I try to speak French like it's English.]

Oh my word. I want to tell you about the super sweet weekend I just had. Maybe the best weekend I've had yet while being in France. I'm currently trying to remember a better weekend in my life. I'm sure there's one, but it's late, and I can't think of it.

Saturday morning, I went to the grocery store to get items for a picnic. These items included [but are not limited to] bread, water, apples, generic pringles [original kind - I was too short to reach the sour cream and onion, and no one was around to ask for help], and some banana chewy candy things. I then returned to my apartment, threw clothes in a bag, and walked about 12 minutes to the meeting spot.

The meeting spot isn't secretive at all. It's where two tram lines meet; there's a little street behind line 2. Josias parked his car along this street and was waiting for Stephanie and I. I arrived with my backpack full of random stuff [clothes, toiletries, Bible, etc] and my bag of picnic things.

Let me preface the rest of this story by saying that I was not planning on going anywhere this weekend. At Agape Wednesday, Josias mentioned a weekend hiking trip at his house in Les Cevennes [mountains north of Montpellier], but I hadn't heard about this yet, as Josias didn't have my e-mail address. I'd thought briefly about going but kind of forgot about it Friday night. I decided to go on a whim as I've only been out of Montpellier 3 times since I got here in early January. For a total of 5 days. I needed a break before project starts.

So Stephanie was late to the meeting place. But that was easily forgiven, as she was making us a cake. Josias and I talked a little - we don't know each other too well, and he doesn't speak any English [though he seems to know tons of English vocab. I'm suspicious.].

An hour and a half of driving found us in Valleraugue, a little village in the mountains where Josias' parents live. But they weren't there - they were in Sete. It was so cute and cozy; I loved it right away.














It was raining when we arrived, so we had our picnic on the enclosed terrace. It was lovely. Lots of talking, laughing, and eating. And drinking tea. Good stuff.

It quit raining, so we got in the car and drove a little ways a mini-parking lot near the start of trail. We got out and started hiking. Oh my. It was uphill for hours. I'm not exaggerating. We hiked for about 6 hours. The first 2.5 were purely uphill. It was intense. And since I only have converse, flip-flops, flats, and cowboy boots in France, I was wearing borrowed boots. Borrowed boots work but not for 6 hours.

So after lots of sweat, a weird pain in my left hip, a few breaks, lots of pictures, and crazy laughter, our hike was over. Oh and sweet, sweet views.















So during this hike, things may have been said. Okay, in all honestly, we talked the whole 6 hours. But I mean things that didn't quite work. Because I spoke French all weekend. Which was good. Great for me, actually, as I have my final oral exam tomorrow morning. But with so many things said, something embarrassing is bound to come out of my mouth.

For example, I had to jump from a rock to the ground below. As I did this, I said, "Il faut trouver un espace solid pour l'atterrissage." Basically, this means, "I need to find a solid space for the landing." "Landing" as in what planes do after a flight. Yeah, that's the word I use.

Later, we were taking a break, and I mentioned I was tired. Stephanie told me that when she's fatigued, she pretends orks are chasing her. So Josias proceeded to tell me that one was behind me. After a few me, I spouted off, "Fine, he can just eat me." Well, I thought that's what I said. I was told by Stephanie and Josias that I said, "Fine, he can just eat YOU." We had a good laugh. Stupid pronouns.

So we got back to Josias' parents house [though we did get rained on during our hike], and he made us dinner while we listened to some sweet worship music. After eating some great cheese, drinking some good wine, and telling lots of stories, we all went to bed. I was asleep in an instant. The silence of the country was amazing after months with the noise of the city.

I woke up before my alarm went off and read some 2 Kings. It was okay - I'm at the part where all the kings are dumb and bad. We got ready, had breakfast together, then went on a tour of Valleraugue. It was so cute, and Josias explained everything to us. He's a history major. Ph. D, I think?


















We then loaded up in the car and headed to the national park near the village. I got a little car sick [no puke; just weird stomach feeling, you know?], but once we arrived at the summit of Mont Aigoual, it was totally worth. There was actually this sweet weather station there in a fake castle. Not fake as in dumb looking. Just not medieval apparently. Apparently, it's one of the windiest, snowiest, rainiest places in France. And the view blew my mind.
















After having a picnic, we walked around the meteorological museum a little, then headed back to Josias'. We talked more. Ate cake. And he played his bagpipe for us. No big deal :)

So I'm home now. In my apartment, that is. Not in the States. It feels good to be back. I'm well rested and ready to tackle this week of exams. Wish me luck.

Love.

[I have no comprehensive title for this post.]

To each his own. We are all made differently. We all have different thoughts. We all have different preferences. Me, I think I prefer quieter worship with mini-dancing. Tonight, I experienced crazy worship that was loud, in French, and featured lots of dancing. I'm truly a head-bob kind of girl. And I don't like clapping. That's just me. And it was fun, nonetheless.

I finished class yesterday. I have finals Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. But not many. Then I have a few days off until summer project! Woohoo! I'm getting more and more excited for that.

I love it here [lately]. And I love my people here more than I can imagine. Leaving is going to be hard. But I'm pushing that to the back of my mind for now.

Favorite American-ism that I taught my friends this week: food baby. So useful.

So, I've learned a lot while I've been here in Montpellier. Apparently, according to timeanddate.com, I've been in Montpellier for 119 days, and I have 49 to go. Well it's after midnight. So 48.

Hopefully, I'll learn a lot in the next 48 days. But here's a brief list of what I've learned so far.

Things I've Learned Thus Far in Montpellier:

- Even when you think you're speaking French, you may very well not be understood at all.

- BBQ sauce isn't that bad.

- That person you never thought you'd get over? You can.

- If tuna was the only good left in the world, I would survive. It may smell badly, but it just tastes like poor-quality salmon.

- Having a wolf drawn on you hand is more fun after 10pm.

- There's nothing more fun than riding in a car when you haven't done it in months. But it's still scary in France

- Just because you get a second chance at love with someone, doesn't mean it will work out. Life isn't like the movies in this regard.

- If you have to clean before the cleaning lady comes, your apartment is too messy.


I'll keep you updated on other life lessons. Moi, I'm going to spend the weekend hiking in the mountains. Can't wait.

Love.

Heaven [I don't have a choice..]

You can always tell how my night was by my hair the next morning. If I was dead tired and slept like a rock, by hair is a MESS when I wake up. If my hair looks good, typically, I went to bed at a decent hour and got a good night's sleep. If my hair is up in a messy bun, that means I had a bad night. That I tried to go to bed, couldn't sleep for some reason, and finally crashed. Typically emotionally exhausted as well as physically.

It's 1:23am, and my hair is in a bun right now. My heart is heavy. I miss my mom. I don't say this often, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. Always.

♫ When death, like a gypsy, comes to steal what I love, I will still look to the heavens; I will still seek Your face♫

Not that I'm always sad. It's not that at all. But it is that there's a part of me that's broken, that can never be repaired in this lifetime.

We all have this actually. We are all separated from God. And we're not meant to be separated. We're made to be with God. In all honesty, this God-separation is so much bigger than anything else we deal with. But we've never had full communion with God, so I guess we don't fully know what we're missing.

♫ And though the pain is an ocean tossing us around, around, around, You have calmed greater waters; higher mountains have come down. ♫

Heaven is going to be so sweet. I'm just saying. Full communion with God. Something we can't even fathom. You know that hole you feel? That hole that you try to fill with things, with people, with yourself? That hole will finally be filled. Completely. And you know, you will finally be the real you.

No, you weren't created like you are now. You're created to be something else. You're created to be something better. What stops you from being that?

Sin. Sin changes you. It mars you. You become less of yourself. And the worst part is [though not the real worst part. that's being away from God. but another bad part...] we don't even realize this. We call this sin - these parts of us that are alien, that come from outside of us, this ugliness - we call this ourselves. We are defined by these things. Oh, but it's not true.

Yes, it's the flesh. And we're human, for sure. But we're made in God's image, for goodness' sake. As C.S Lewis said somewhere:

"You don't have a soul.
You are a soul.
You have a body."

A temporary temple. One in which the curtain needs to be completely and permanently torn still. And oh, how I'm waiting for that day.

♫ There is a land of pure delight, where saints, immortal, reign. Infinite day excludes the night, and pleasures banish pain... Could we but climb where Moses stood and view the landscape o'er... ♫

So as I'm sitting here, missing my mom, wishing I was asleep. I have just a few more thoughts.

Though my heart is broken missing her, I wouldn't trade memories of her for less pain. These memories bring me joy as well. I never want to forget a single thing.

She's with Jesus as we speak. And every pain that she ever felt has simply melted away as the glories and pleasures she's experiencing are radiating from Christ. True communion with the living and loving God.

"Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it." - Revelation 2:17

Love.

Hello, God [I love You, too]

My good mood has lasted far longer than I thought it would. But after a month or more of being in a mediocre funk mixed in with plenty of bad days, I'm surprised that I've been feeling great since Friday. It's only Tuesday.

Is it a lack of faith that I doubted this could happen? I prayed for this; maybe I should have expected it to come to pass. That's a topic God and I are talking about. We've been talking about it on and off for a year now.

In my journals, I write questions that come up as I'm thinking or reading my Bible or praying. I used to forget about these questions while remembering that there had been question. It would drive me crazy. So I started highlighting these questions.

Today or tomorrow [realistically, it will probably take me a lot longer], I'm going through my old journal's questions that I haven't looked up answers to. Some of the good ones are:

-What does fear of the Lord look like?
-How do you combat spiritual warfare?
-Saul summoned Samuel's spirit after he had died. What's up with that?
-What is the relationship between faith and God acting?
-Is building up treasures in heaven by itself a good enough reason to do something?

This should be interesting. In theory. But I want answers to these things with the goal of knowing more about God. Because I love Him. Because He first loved me.

Sometimes God unexpectedly kisses me on the forehead. For example, yesterday I went to the bookstore. It was completely unplanned. I had time to kill between going to The Phone House [real name of phone store] and meeting some friends returning from East Asia at the train station. So I headed to a used bookstore that carries some English books. I'd found a book I've been wanting for a long time there a few weeks before, but I didn't buy it. Dumb move. When I went back, it was gone.

I went to the bookstore yesterday with the intention of looking for that book again. It still wasn't there. I also had in mind to look for a French book [actually, it's the French translation of Ten Little Indians by Agatha Christie; I love that book]. It wasn't there either. So as I was leaving, slightly disappointed, I glanced at the floor. I do this sometimes. And there, until a table in a box labeled "1 euro" was the name "Michael Crichton".

Michael Crichton in my favorite author. Well, he might have been replaced by C.S Lewis. But I love him anyway. I own a lot of his books. But one that I don't own is Airframe. That's the book that was in the 1 euro box of books. What? Are you kidding me? Totally unexpected find.

When things like this happen to me, I'm convinced it's God sending me a little love note, reminding me what I mean to Him. Not that these things are significant. He showed His love for me when Christ died in my place. But God knows how my heart works. I want to be pursued. I want to be wooed. And whoa, does He ever woo my wandering heart back to Him.

"Leave to your God to order and provide. In every change, He faithful will remain."

Love.