Thursday, May 17, 2012
Here We Go Again!
Wow, I let this blog go for awhile. But mind you, it was a busy semester. And now it's over. But not just my semester - all of college. I now have a Bachelor's degree in geography, and I have no idea how that happened. I don't feel equipped to go into the real world.
What am I doing next? That is the question that everyone has for me. And I have an answer! I will be interning with the Leadership Development Program at Hope Community Church here in Minneapolis. I'm SO excited for it!
Anyway, I want to start blogging again. I like getting my thoughts down on [metaphorical] paper. And if someone reads it, that's cool, I guess.
Love.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Simple truth. [It never grows old.]
Well, I've kind of let my blog go for the past few months. So I feel kind of silly starting to write again. However, feeling kind of silly has never stopped me before. Here goes.
I'm going back to Minneapolis on Thursday (I'm currently on winter break in Illinois to give you some reference), and I must say these past few weeks have been unexpectedly blessed. I've been having great family time, I've spent precious time with God, I've re-connected with some high school friends, and I've been able to have good conversations on the phone with college friends. I've done some reading, played some basketball, dominated some video games with my nephew. You know. The usual in that regard.
The pastor at my grandma's church said something yesterday about this (being unexpectedly blessed) that struck me. He said that we know God is good and that He loves us - therefore we should never stop looking for His blessings. A simple truth, but one that I needed reminded of.
One thing is plaguing me though. What the heck am I supposed to do after I graduate in May? I've been asking and looking, but the answer hasn't come. I'll keep waiting patiently, I guess. Pray with me?
Love.
I'm going back to Minneapolis on Thursday (I'm currently on winter break in Illinois to give you some reference), and I must say these past few weeks have been unexpectedly blessed. I've been having great family time, I've spent precious time with God, I've re-connected with some high school friends, and I've been able to have good conversations on the phone with college friends. I've done some reading, played some basketball, dominated some video games with my nephew. You know. The usual in that regard.
The pastor at my grandma's church said something yesterday about this (being unexpectedly blessed) that struck me. He said that we know God is good and that He loves us - therefore we should never stop looking for His blessings. A simple truth, but one that I needed reminded of.
One thing is plaguing me though. What the heck am I supposed to do after I graduate in May? I've been asking and looking, but the answer hasn't come. I'll keep waiting patiently, I guess. Pray with me?
Love.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Roses. [He spoke it into my heart.]
Is it Monday? How did that happen? The weekend flew by, but I'm convinced it's Tuesday right now. Weird.
"Your job is to love her selfishly. Love her in order to make her unfold, to make her bloom. Love her to make her more beautiful for your own enjoyment."
That's a paraphrase from Pastor Steve. He told Josh that on the day that he married Whitney.
And God whispered, "Let me love you like that."
I'm trying.
Love.
"Your job is to love her selfishly. Love her in order to make her unfold, to make her bloom. Love her to make her more beautiful for your own enjoyment."
That's a paraphrase from Pastor Steve. He told Josh that on the day that he married Whitney.
And God whispered, "Let me love you like that."
I'm trying.
Love.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Cataracts. [Put your mouth to the firehose and turn it on.]
Wow, it's been almost a month since I last wrote.
Life has been so great lately. I just came off one of the most restful weekends in a long time. Though I did hours and hours of homework, I was just sitting in my apartment with the beautiful sun shining in while I drank coffee. In pure silence [except the brief conversations with my beloved roommate, Sharon].
I realized that silence is something I crave. Or at least I do now. I long for the quiet[er] public spaces of France. If someone else is producing noise, I feel like they're invading my personal thought space. Is that a little crazy? But of course, too much silence would drive me insane. Once my thoughts are unwound and organized, noise is fine, even welcomed. So Saturday night, I had a small group of people over for games. And that was just fine.
It was lovely to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a long time. Like my good friends Adam, Aaron, and Craig. Others were around this weekend, as well, but I hadn't spent time with these guys in a long time. Long time ranging from 3 weeks to 10 months. Re-connecting this weekend was good for my soul.
It was nice to slow down, as I've been feeling a little out of control lately. Not the old out of control that caused a panic. But so much is happening now; it's all so quickly. God is doing so much in my heart right now; I'm not even sure what all is going on.
I won't go into detail because I'm not even quite sure how to explain anything. Maybe I'll update you once more has happened :)
Love.
Life has been so great lately. I just came off one of the most restful weekends in a long time. Though I did hours and hours of homework, I was just sitting in my apartment with the beautiful sun shining in while I drank coffee. In pure silence [except the brief conversations with my beloved roommate, Sharon].
I realized that silence is something I crave. Or at least I do now. I long for the quiet[er] public spaces of France. If someone else is producing noise, I feel like they're invading my personal thought space. Is that a little crazy? But of course, too much silence would drive me insane. Once my thoughts are unwound and organized, noise is fine, even welcomed. So Saturday night, I had a small group of people over for games. And that was just fine.
It was lovely to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a long time. Like my good friends Adam, Aaron, and Craig. Others were around this weekend, as well, but I hadn't spent time with these guys in a long time. Long time ranging from 3 weeks to 10 months. Re-connecting this weekend was good for my soul.
It was nice to slow down, as I've been feeling a little out of control lately. Not the old out of control that caused a panic. But so much is happening now; it's all so quickly. God is doing so much in my heart right now; I'm not even sure what all is going on.
I won't go into detail because I'm not even quite sure how to explain anything. Maybe I'll update you once more has happened :)
Love.
Friday, September 16, 2011
I am [Reminders.]
I exist. This is a thought that struck me last night while I was at Shift (the Cru weekly meeting at the University of Minnesota). We were singing "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong United, and the words "I am" hit home.
♫ Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You ♫
These two simple words have duel meaning for me. And my heart felt both of them as we sang aloud in the Great Hall of Coffman.
I am. I exist. I'm alive. Don't ask me why I needed to be reminded of that. Maybe because I was feeling swallowed by the amount of homework I'd done the past two days. I'd been away from people (for the most part) reading and reading and reading. That had been my focus. The two days prior to that, I'd been so saturated by people time that I was going crazy. I'm an introvert.
Anyway, I still existed. But more than that. I'm alive. I'm living. This implies so much more action! It's so much more significant. And if I'm giving myself to God, shouldn't it be more than just existing? More than just surviving?
How does one do that? How do you become more? Especially when we are to become less?
"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30 (quote from John the Baptist)
As always, it's all wrapped together perfectly. Because the second meaning of "I am" is God Himself, of course.
"Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:13-14
God is the great I AM. He's the only existence. We are nothing apart from Him. We are not without Him.
My thoughts were drawn to Him, right where they should've been all along the past 4 days. How could I so quickly have forgotten and overlooked the very One who gave me life?
And that's when Jesus gently reminded me:
"I am the Giver of life. You feel drained? Let me pour life back into you, my beautiful child, my wonderful creation."
Are you kidding me? I'm not sure if my feet were still on the floor after that. I felt my soul, my heart, my very self lifted at that moment. Full. It took no time at all for Him to gently brush away the worries from my week.
I am. I only am because of I AM. In Him, my being is satisfied.
Love.
♫ Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You ♫
These two simple words have duel meaning for me. And my heart felt both of them as we sang aloud in the Great Hall of Coffman.
I am. I exist. I'm alive. Don't ask me why I needed to be reminded of that. Maybe because I was feeling swallowed by the amount of homework I'd done the past two days. I'd been away from people (for the most part) reading and reading and reading. That had been my focus. The two days prior to that, I'd been so saturated by people time that I was going crazy. I'm an introvert.
Anyway, I still existed. But more than that. I'm alive. I'm living. This implies so much more action! It's so much more significant. And if I'm giving myself to God, shouldn't it be more than just existing? More than just surviving?
How does one do that? How do you become more? Especially when we are to become less?
"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30 (quote from John the Baptist)
As always, it's all wrapped together perfectly. Because the second meaning of "I am" is God Himself, of course.
"Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:13-14
God is the great I AM. He's the only existence. We are nothing apart from Him. We are not without Him.
My thoughts were drawn to Him, right where they should've been all along the past 4 days. How could I so quickly have forgotten and overlooked the very One who gave me life?
And that's when Jesus gently reminded me:
"I am the Giver of life. You feel drained? Let me pour life back into you, my beautiful child, my wonderful creation."
Are you kidding me? I'm not sure if my feet were still on the floor after that. I felt my soul, my heart, my very self lifted at that moment. Full. It took no time at all for Him to gently brush away the worries from my week.
I am. I only am because of I AM. In Him, my being is satisfied.
Love.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
If History Repeats Itself [I drew in Your breath, and I keep on breathing.]
I got new shoes on Saturday. New running shoes, actually. I've been running consistently for over 2 months now. This hasn't happened often during my 21 years. Maybe just a hand-full of times. Then something would change in my schedule, and running was the first thing to be dropped.
School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.
It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.
"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3
Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.
Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.
Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.
I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.
But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.
God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?
Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.
♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫
I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.
Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?
Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?
Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.
'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'
What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.
That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?
Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.
Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:
' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31
That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.
Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?
We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6
Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.
My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17
'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13
Love.
School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.
It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.
"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3
Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.
Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.
Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.
I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.
But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.
God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?
Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.
♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫
I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.
Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?
Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?
Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.
'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'
What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.
That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?
Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.
Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:
' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31
That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.
Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?
We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6
Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.
My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17
'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13
Love.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Epicenter [All other ground is sinking sand.]
I'm getting frustrated. Correction: I was getting frustrated. This morning, I'm too tired after my 4.5-mile run to really feel anything other than the lack of energy in my legs.
Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.
I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?
As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!
God started answering me.....
"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.
Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.
It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.
"Pursue Me."
God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.
Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.
Love.
Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.
I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?
As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!
God started answering me.....
"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.
Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.
It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.
"Pursue Me."
God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.
Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.
Love.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
You Make Beautiful Things [Undo me.]
I decided to change my blog. I don't really know why. Yes, I do. Kind of.
I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.
This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.
But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.
He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.
So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.
"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."
Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?
But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.
Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.
He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.
Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.
And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.
Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.
Love.
I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.
This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.
But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.
He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.
So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.
"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."
Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?
But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.
Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.
He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.
Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.
And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.
Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.
Love.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Blurry. [That I could gaze upon Your beauty, O Lord.]
I'm a sinner in desperate need of a savior.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Spiraling Guilt. [It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.]
♫"You put your arms around me,
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫
I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.
- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)
- Run a half-marathon
- Get one of my books published
- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song
That's all I've got so far.
♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫
I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.
Love.
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫
I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.
- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)
- Run a half-marathon
- Get one of my books published
- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song
That's all I've got so far.
♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫
I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.
Love.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Chains [Falling on my knees til I love like You love me. I love You.]
I've finally gotten into a decent groove here. Groove, haha. Dumb word choice. But hey, a card laid is a card played. I'm keeping it. Also, by "here" I mean Illinois.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Simplicity. [As I sing about this joy.]
I just got back from my morning run. I was thankful for the coolness of it. It was still 80 degrees, but the humidity was significantly lower thanks for storms last night.
My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.
So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.
Dang.
But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.
God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.
Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.
I hate this.
But.
The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.
"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."
Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.
Even when it's just 13 little words.
Love.
My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.
So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.
Dang.
But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.
God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.
Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.
I hate this.
But.
The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.
"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."
Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.
Even when it's just 13 little words.
Love.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Je Voudrais... [You still have my heart completely.]
I've felt more creative than usual these past few days. Now, I don't consider myself to be a creative person. In fact, I think of myself in quite the opposite light.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Shortest Post Ever.
I've been home for 3 days. It's kind of surreal - almost as if I never left but so different at the same time. And I'm so different. Or maybe I'm the same. I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure I want to.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Don’t Make Me Choose [You wouldn’t like the choice I’d make.]
My long day of travel has started. I’m at the airport early – 45 minutes early. My internet isn’t working, so I’m typing this is Word. I said goodbye to Julien this morning. One of my best friends.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Valleys of Sorrow, Rivers of Joy [Goodbye.]
The past few days have been charged with emotion. I've had to say goodbye to my best friends here. The goodbyes were pretty staggered, which was nice, but it's been a long few days.
I have a few more goodbyes to go on Thursday night and Friday morning. Then it's off to Paris, Boston, and Indianapolis where I will finally get to see my family for the first time in almost 6 months. Dang. I can't wait.
Please be praying for a smooth layover in Boston. I have an hour and 40 minutes to get through customs, go back through security, and get on my plane. Last summer, we left Paris an hour late. So that has me quite nervous. I like having time to figure things out.
We spent the last few days in Normandy. In Bayeux, to be exact. It was actually really cool, as we got to walk on the Pont du Hoc, on the Omaha beach, and in the American cemetery in Normandy. It was so moving.
I couldn't help but reflect as I walk on the shore, the sand annoying getting stuck between my toes, the cold water getting my capris wet. So much had happened there. History had been made there. What if we'd invaded elsewhere and been unsuccessful? What would life be like today? What if the war had never happened at all? How would life be different today?
I suppose these aren't valid questions. Asking "What if?" after events has always kind of gotten on my nerves.
But being here brings me hope for my future. God works everything out perfectly. He'll do the same for my future. I trust Him.
Love.
I have a few more goodbyes to go on Thursday night and Friday morning. Then it's off to Paris, Boston, and Indianapolis where I will finally get to see my family for the first time in almost 6 months. Dang. I can't wait.
Please be praying for a smooth layover in Boston. I have an hour and 40 minutes to get through customs, go back through security, and get on my plane. Last summer, we left Paris an hour late. So that has me quite nervous. I like having time to figure things out.
We spent the last few days in Normandy. In Bayeux, to be exact. It was actually really cool, as we got to walk on the Pont du Hoc, on the Omaha beach, and in the American cemetery in Normandy. It was so moving.
I couldn't help but reflect as I walk on the shore, the sand annoying getting stuck between my toes, the cold water getting my capris wet. So much had happened there. History had been made there. What if we'd invaded elsewhere and been unsuccessful? What would life be like today? What if the war had never happened at all? How would life be different today?
I suppose these aren't valid questions. Asking "What if?" after events has always kind of gotten on my nerves.
But being here brings me hope for my future. God works everything out perfectly. He'll do the same for my future. I trust Him.
Love.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Pyrite. [You're a communist?]
Salut! [Sometimes my fingers move too fast when I write that, and it says salt. I like this.] Project is quickly coming to an end, and God has done so much here. We leave Montpellier in 6 days, and I'll be back in the States in 10 days. So crazy to think about - I've been in Montpellier for over 5 months.
We've continued to go on campus everyday the last couple of weeks. Since finals are basically over for the French students, it's hard to find people to talk to on campus. God has been providing though.
Today, I'm exhausted. Last night was our last English club. A surprising number of people came! I've been kind of feeling like all of our friends have already left Montpellier for the summer. But Fitzpatrick's Pub was packed again last night.
Adding to my physical tiredness is a spiritual and intellectual tiredness as well. Last week, Holly, Spencer, and I went to campus 3 [the liberal arts campus] and approached the only two people in the cafeteria - 2 French men. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but Spencer was bold and initiated with them. He explained why we were there, and they graciously told us to pull up some chairs and join them.
An hour long intense conversation ensued. We mostly talked politics. Somehow Calvinism got thrown in, too, but I'm not quite sure how that happened. We exchanged numbers, but they didn't seem like the type of guys to want to hang out with us again. Oh, did I mention they don't speak any English?
Yesterday, I texted basically everyone I know to hang out before I leave. Shockingly to me [Oh, you of little faith!], one replied saying that he would be free for lunch today. So this morning, I grabbed Jonny [he speaks some French], and we headed to the university cafeteria.
We met up with him, then Melissa and Holly joined us. Almost 2.5 hours later, we had covered communism, different denominations in the church, French men, baptism, the validity of the Bible, evangelism, and probably 800 other things. My brain is fried, but it was amazing. Amazing.
Conversations like this are what I crave. What I love. Our new friend [and I can truly call him this] doesn't believe in God at all, but he's open to talking. And I trust God.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
Other great things have been happening, too. God is working in the lives of my friends here. People are taking steps toward Christ. Some are closer than others. But aren't we all on that journey?
I guess I've gotten in the habit of writing stuff that God has been teaching me lately. So here goes. Lately - the past week or so - I've really felt the darkness here. The lack of hope. The distance from God. Not my own, but just other people's. So many people here don't believe in God here. They don't believe a god exists at all. And I think that causes a darkness here that can be overwhelming at times. And I've been feeling it.
It breeds hopelessness and doubt. But even in our doubt, God is still faithful here. It's incredible and makes or faith stronger, I think.
Doubt also makes us ask real questions. Not theoretical questions that I love to ask. But real, practical questions. One must really observe their own faith. It is tested. Is it real gold or just that of a fool?
And when you find that gold, oh, how it shines! Believers here shine like stars. It's beautiful to see. That's something I'll never forget. Something I wish I could describe to you, but it's indescribable. If only you could see it with me.
"We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." - 2 Peter 1:19-20
Love.
We've continued to go on campus everyday the last couple of weeks. Since finals are basically over for the French students, it's hard to find people to talk to on campus. God has been providing though.
Today, I'm exhausted. Last night was our last English club. A surprising number of people came! I've been kind of feeling like all of our friends have already left Montpellier for the summer. But Fitzpatrick's Pub was packed again last night.
Adding to my physical tiredness is a spiritual and intellectual tiredness as well. Last week, Holly, Spencer, and I went to campus 3 [the liberal arts campus] and approached the only two people in the cafeteria - 2 French men. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but Spencer was bold and initiated with them. He explained why we were there, and they graciously told us to pull up some chairs and join them.
An hour long intense conversation ensued. We mostly talked politics. Somehow Calvinism got thrown in, too, but I'm not quite sure how that happened. We exchanged numbers, but they didn't seem like the type of guys to want to hang out with us again. Oh, did I mention they don't speak any English?
Yesterday, I texted basically everyone I know to hang out before I leave. Shockingly to me [Oh, you of little faith!], one replied saying that he would be free for lunch today. So this morning, I grabbed Jonny [he speaks some French], and we headed to the university cafeteria.
We met up with him, then Melissa and Holly joined us. Almost 2.5 hours later, we had covered communism, different denominations in the church, French men, baptism, the validity of the Bible, evangelism, and probably 800 other things. My brain is fried, but it was amazing. Amazing.
Conversations like this are what I crave. What I love. Our new friend [and I can truly call him this] doesn't believe in God at all, but he's open to talking. And I trust God.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
Other great things have been happening, too. God is working in the lives of my friends here. People are taking steps toward Christ. Some are closer than others. But aren't we all on that journey?
I guess I've gotten in the habit of writing stuff that God has been teaching me lately. So here goes. Lately - the past week or so - I've really felt the darkness here. The lack of hope. The distance from God. Not my own, but just other people's. So many people here don't believe in God here. They don't believe a god exists at all. And I think that causes a darkness here that can be overwhelming at times. And I've been feeling it.
It breeds hopelessness and doubt. But even in our doubt, God is still faithful here. It's incredible and makes or faith stronger, I think.
Doubt also makes us ask real questions. Not theoretical questions that I love to ask. But real, practical questions. One must really observe their own faith. It is tested. Is it real gold or just that of a fool?
And when you find that gold, oh, how it shines! Believers here shine like stars. It's beautiful to see. That's something I'll never forget. Something I wish I could describe to you, but it's indescribable. If only you could see it with me.
"We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." - 2 Peter 1:19-20
Love.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Can't Get Enough [Don't even want to.]
Holy Moses. I haven't written in a long time. Since project started to be exact. Sorry about that.
Things have been so busy the past few weeks! I'll now attempt to fill you in without going into much detail.
The project arrived, and we moved into our temporary housing: a sweet hotel with a pool. I got to meet the people on my team, and I LOVE them. Most of them. Some of them I don't know that well. But anyway, I had been a little worried about getting along with them - that worry was definitely dumb. If I'm being honest.
We moved into our actual project housing a few days later, got tours of the city (I know this city inside and out by now), went on the campuses for the first few times, and were exhausted by the weekend.
Since then, it's just been going on campus, meeting new people, and forming friendships. God has been putting some really great people in my path: Jessica, Sarah, Emilie, Lucille, Alice, Pauline. I know that you don't know these people, but they're so fun, and I can't wait to get to know them better!
A run-down of my typical week goes like this:
Monday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8:30-? English club
Tuesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Bible study
Wednesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 6:30-8 Meeting/Worship
- 8-? Agape Bible study
Thursday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8-? The-O-Show (discussion group)
Friday
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Project family night
Saturday is my day off, and Sunday is our day with the Lord. During the week, we meet up with new French friends during free time, too, so by the weekend, I'm exhausted. But in a good way, of course. Like I've been poured out. Like I'm spent.
God has been teaching me so much as well, and He has been so faithful to continue to pour into me so I can in turn pour out to others. Both on my team and people I meet. It's really cool to experience. Though I haven't been the best steward of my times of rest. And I've definitely felt the repercussions of those times.
I feel like one big thing that God has done for me the past few weeks was to increase my view of Him. In the past, God has increased my view of Him by doing great things. But the past 3 weeks He's done it just by letting me get to know Him better. Just being intimate with me, talking to me, showing me verses about Himself that expand my thoughts, expand my heart. And let me tell you. I want more.
On campus, we do a photo survey called Soularium. Basically, there are 50 photos and 3 questions. People answer the questions [1. One photo that describes your life; 2. One photo to describe religion in France; 3. One photo to describe your personal view of God], and then we talk about their answers. Lately, there's one particular photo that has been resonating with me.
It's a little bizarre, I know. And I would've never picked it before project. But in this photo, I'm the lizard. And God is holding me [obvi]. And I'm just getting a taste of God - just a little, because right now my mouth is too small. But I like what I'm tasting. And my mouth is slowly getting bigger, my friend. And I'm loving it.
Anyway, be praying for the ministry here, and my last two weeks in Montpellier. God is doing big things. Always.
Love.
Things have been so busy the past few weeks! I'll now attempt to fill you in without going into much detail.
The project arrived, and we moved into our temporary housing: a sweet hotel with a pool. I got to meet the people on my team, and I LOVE them. Most of them. Some of them I don't know that well. But anyway, I had been a little worried about getting along with them - that worry was definitely dumb. If I'm being honest.
We moved into our actual project housing a few days later, got tours of the city (I know this city inside and out by now), went on the campuses for the first few times, and were exhausted by the weekend.
Since then, it's just been going on campus, meeting new people, and forming friendships. God has been putting some really great people in my path: Jessica, Sarah, Emilie, Lucille, Alice, Pauline. I know that you don't know these people, but they're so fun, and I can't wait to get to know them better!
A run-down of my typical week goes like this:
Monday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8:30-? English club
Tuesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Bible study
Wednesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 6:30-8 Meeting/Worship
- 8-? Agape Bible study
Thursday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8-? The-O-Show (discussion group)
Friday
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Project family night
Saturday is my day off, and Sunday is our day with the Lord. During the week, we meet up with new French friends during free time, too, so by the weekend, I'm exhausted. But in a good way, of course. Like I've been poured out. Like I'm spent.
God has been teaching me so much as well, and He has been so faithful to continue to pour into me so I can in turn pour out to others. Both on my team and people I meet. It's really cool to experience. Though I haven't been the best steward of my times of rest. And I've definitely felt the repercussions of those times.
I feel like one big thing that God has done for me the past few weeks was to increase my view of Him. In the past, God has increased my view of Him by doing great things. But the past 3 weeks He's done it just by letting me get to know Him better. Just being intimate with me, talking to me, showing me verses about Himself that expand my thoughts, expand my heart. And let me tell you. I want more.
On campus, we do a photo survey called Soularium. Basically, there are 50 photos and 3 questions. People answer the questions [1. One photo that describes your life; 2. One photo to describe religion in France; 3. One photo to describe your personal view of God], and then we talk about their answers. Lately, there's one particular photo that has been resonating with me.
It's a little bizarre, I know. And I would've never picked it before project. But in this photo, I'm the lizard. And God is holding me [obvi]. And I'm just getting a taste of God - just a little, because right now my mouth is too small. But I like what I'm tasting. And my mouth is slowly getting bigger, my friend. And I'm loving it.
Anyway, be praying for the ministry here, and my last two weeks in Montpellier. God is doing big things. Always.
Love.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Work Horse [To make something new, you must destroy what it once was.]
Tomorrow, May 24, I move out of my apartment. The rest of the summer project arrives. Wow, this semester has gone by so quickly. I can barely put it into words. So I won't yet.
Kate, a friend from summer project last summer, came to visit on Saturday. Talk about nostalgia. Being in the same city in which we served together brought back so many memories. We walked all around, talking, laughing, seeing old friends. So good.
Last night, I spent the night with Stephanie and Jeanette. Marelie and Claire were there, too. We watched Despicable Me, ate popcorn, and talked. It was good to have a girls' night.
And now, here I am, packing up 4 months of my life into 1 suitcase, 1 backpack, and 1 box. It's bizarre, because living in Montpellier is normal for me now. Living in this tiny studio apartment on this busy street with creepers lurking everywhere. Haha. That last part is only half true. But when I leave in July, I will have been here almost 6 months. I haven't lived in one place that long since I graduated high school.
But I told Eric yesterday that this is what's normal for me now. It's going to weird going back to the States. I'm sure I'll fall right back in to step there though. Even if it takes a week or two.
Besides, I suppose no place is really my home [very much so with my last post in mind]. Wherever God takes me, that's where I belong. Right now it's Montpellier. July 1, it'll be Illinois. Mid-August, it'll probably be Minnesota.
Obedience. That's what's on my mind right now. I've been searching for a word to contain all my thoughts today, and that would be it. Obedience. Not just doing something, but the state of being while doing something.
Obedience. Going to France. Obedience. Being told to go home. Obedience. Trying to find some sort of self-control. Obedience. Dancing in the light of direction. Obedience. Hanging your head and walking into a battle that you'll lose so that the war can be won. Obedience. Losing yourself so that you are truly found. Obedience.
Obedience. And all this time I've thought I was in control. And all this time I thought I could do this. I was a fool.
♫ I live less like a work horse, more like a slave. ♫
There's a difference in following and being lead I think. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But being lead involves submission. A submission that I'm not capable of without God. I'm too proud. Indeed. That something I was reminded of even this morning as I was reading Titus.
And as summer project is starting, I want to be obedient. I was to serve as Christ came to serve. But goodness, I've got to shuck my prideful, reins-stealing, big-headed, selfish ego. I'm praying God will give me a ticket for the humility train.
"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone." - Titus 3:1-2
I'll be keeping you updated on project via this blog. Though not as frequently as I'd like. Internet will be scarce.
Love.
Kate, a friend from summer project last summer, came to visit on Saturday. Talk about nostalgia. Being in the same city in which we served together brought back so many memories. We walked all around, talking, laughing, seeing old friends. So good.
Last night, I spent the night with Stephanie and Jeanette. Marelie and Claire were there, too. We watched Despicable Me, ate popcorn, and talked. It was good to have a girls' night.
And now, here I am, packing up 4 months of my life into 1 suitcase, 1 backpack, and 1 box. It's bizarre, because living in Montpellier is normal for me now. Living in this tiny studio apartment on this busy street with creepers lurking everywhere. Haha. That last part is only half true. But when I leave in July, I will have been here almost 6 months. I haven't lived in one place that long since I graduated high school.
But I told Eric yesterday that this is what's normal for me now. It's going to weird going back to the States. I'm sure I'll fall right back in to step there though. Even if it takes a week or two.
Besides, I suppose no place is really my home [very much so with my last post in mind]. Wherever God takes me, that's where I belong. Right now it's Montpellier. July 1, it'll be Illinois. Mid-August, it'll probably be Minnesota.
Obedience. That's what's on my mind right now. I've been searching for a word to contain all my thoughts today, and that would be it. Obedience. Not just doing something, but the state of being while doing something.
Obedience. Going to France. Obedience. Being told to go home. Obedience. Trying to find some sort of self-control. Obedience. Dancing in the light of direction. Obedience. Hanging your head and walking into a battle that you'll lose so that the war can be won. Obedience. Losing yourself so that you are truly found. Obedience.
Obedience. And all this time I've thought I was in control. And all this time I thought I could do this. I was a fool.
♫ I live less like a work horse, more like a slave. ♫
There's a difference in following and being lead I think. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But being lead involves submission. A submission that I'm not capable of without God. I'm too proud. Indeed. That something I was reminded of even this morning as I was reading Titus.
And as summer project is starting, I want to be obedient. I was to serve as Christ came to serve. But goodness, I've got to shuck my prideful, reins-stealing, big-headed, selfish ego. I'm praying God will give me a ticket for the humility train.
"Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone." - Titus 3:1-2
I'll be keeping you updated on project via this blog. Though not as frequently as I'd like. Internet will be scarce.
Love.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Heaven, part 2 [We Belong Elsewhere].
I finished my semester of study abroad yesterday. I had two exams yesterday, 3 Tuesday, and 1 Monday. And now it's over. It doesn't feel like it, as I'll be staying in Montpellier for 6 more weeks. Talk about anti-climactic.
Actually, that's only half true. Things here are going to change for me. No more class with ministry on the side. The summer project arrives on Tuesday, and it's ministry only for the next 40 days or so. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
However...
My heart is heavy right now. As it was last night.
Last night we had Bible study. And it was amazing. Such good conversation about Matthew 19:16-30. About the young rich man. You know the story. [If you don't, that's okay. Sorry for assuming.] We had some pretty intense discussion, actually. Followed by some sweet Gospel sharing. Then prayer. It was so great to have fellowship like that. I feel like it's pretty few and far between here. At least for me. Maybe that's not true. But that's how I've been feeling.
While Joakim [a French guy who is more Californian than anyone from California will ever be] was sharing his thoughts last night, I was suddenly taken by a couple different emotions.
Thankful. Joyful. Proud. Sad.
I'm going to miss this so much. These people here - my friends, my community, people that touched my heart and changed me with knowing it. How am I supposed to leave them? Knowing the chances of me seeing them again are slim?
I shouldn't dwell on that. God could lead me back here. But I've been homesick off and on for months. Is that really something I want? Does it matter what I want? Especially when I don't know what the heck that even is anymore. I want to stay; I want to go home.
♫ single Minded, whole hearted, one thing I ask: that I may gaze upon Your beauty, oh Lord; that I may seek Your Holy Face; that I may know You in an intimate way; and follow after You all of my days... ♫
One thing for sure. I want to be with Jesus. He has everything I'm searching for, everything I want. And the more I find Him, the more I'm looking for Him. Oh, lyrics just popped in my head again.
♫ to have found You and still be looking for You. It's the soul's paradox of love. ♫
I love me some old school Newsboys. Good stuff.
Anyway, so as these thoughts of leaving this life I've lived here for 5 months, I just think heaven. And how great it will be. And how I'll see these people again. Last semester, I had some good discussions with people as to whether we'll recognize friens and loved ones in heaven or not. I think we will. I actually think that quite strongly.
I think that praising God alongside these French friends will be so glorifying to Him. Far more than I could do alone. Maybe that's not true. He knows. I'm just making statements. Maybe I'm missing the point. That it won't matter that they're beside me because Jesus will be there, too. And He's captivating. Intoxicating. He outshines all other things.
But my heart is heavy wishing that they'd stay in my life longer. As my friend, Philippe said, life is full of saying goodbye to everyone. Except the person you marry. They'll probably follow you wherever you go.
Ah, Philippe. He has such a way with words.
Another wise friend - shoutout to BD - told me not to become numb to goodbyes. I pray that never happens to me. Just because hurts, doesn't mean I'll stray away from them.
43 days to go. Here's to spending as much time as I can with these people that I love. So much that it tears my heart in two to leave. Knowing that God will put it back to together, let me cry with Him, and provide exactly what I need until I see them again and/or I'm finally completely in His arms.
"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." - 1 Thessalonians 2:8
Love.
Actually, that's only half true. Things here are going to change for me. No more class with ministry on the side. The summer project arrives on Tuesday, and it's ministry only for the next 40 days or so. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
However...
My heart is heavy right now. As it was last night.
Last night we had Bible study. And it was amazing. Such good conversation about Matthew 19:16-30. About the young rich man. You know the story. [If you don't, that's okay. Sorry for assuming.] We had some pretty intense discussion, actually. Followed by some sweet Gospel sharing. Then prayer. It was so great to have fellowship like that. I feel like it's pretty few and far between here. At least for me. Maybe that's not true. But that's how I've been feeling.
While Joakim [a French guy who is more Californian than anyone from California will ever be] was sharing his thoughts last night, I was suddenly taken by a couple different emotions.
Thankful. Joyful. Proud. Sad.
I'm going to miss this so much. These people here - my friends, my community, people that touched my heart and changed me with knowing it. How am I supposed to leave them? Knowing the chances of me seeing them again are slim?
I shouldn't dwell on that. God could lead me back here. But I've been homesick off and on for months. Is that really something I want? Does it matter what I want? Especially when I don't know what the heck that even is anymore. I want to stay; I want to go home.
♫ single Minded, whole hearted, one thing I ask: that I may gaze upon Your beauty, oh Lord; that I may seek Your Holy Face; that I may know You in an intimate way; and follow after You all of my days... ♫
One thing for sure. I want to be with Jesus. He has everything I'm searching for, everything I want. And the more I find Him, the more I'm looking for Him. Oh, lyrics just popped in my head again.
♫ to have found You and still be looking for You. It's the soul's paradox of love. ♫
I love me some old school Newsboys. Good stuff.
Anyway, so as these thoughts of leaving this life I've lived here for 5 months, I just think heaven. And how great it will be. And how I'll see these people again. Last semester, I had some good discussions with people as to whether we'll recognize friens and loved ones in heaven or not. I think we will. I actually think that quite strongly.
I think that praising God alongside these French friends will be so glorifying to Him. Far more than I could do alone. Maybe that's not true. He knows. I'm just making statements. Maybe I'm missing the point. That it won't matter that they're beside me because Jesus will be there, too. And He's captivating. Intoxicating. He outshines all other things.
But my heart is heavy wishing that they'd stay in my life longer. As my friend, Philippe said, life is full of saying goodbye to everyone. Except the person you marry. They'll probably follow you wherever you go.
Ah, Philippe. He has such a way with words.
Another wise friend - shoutout to BD - told me not to become numb to goodbyes. I pray that never happens to me. Just because hurts, doesn't mean I'll stray away from them.
43 days to go. Here's to spending as much time as I can with these people that I love. So much that it tears my heart in two to leave. Knowing that God will put it back to together, let me cry with Him, and provide exactly what I need until I see them again and/or I'm finally completely in His arms.
"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." - 1 Thessalonians 2:8
Love.
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