It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
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