Epicenter [All other ground is sinking sand.]

I'm getting frustrated. Correction: I was getting frustrated. This morning, I'm too tired after my 4.5-mile run to really feel anything other than the lack of energy in my legs.

Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.

I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?

As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!

God started answering me.....





"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.





Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.

It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.

"Pursue Me."

God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.

Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.

Love.

You Make Beautiful Things [Undo me.]

I decided to change my blog. I don't really know why. Yes, I do. Kind of.

I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.

This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.

But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.

He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.

So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.

"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."

Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?

But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.

Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.

He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.

Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.

And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.

Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.

Love.

Blurry. [That I could gaze upon Your beauty, O Lord.]

I'm a sinner in desperate need of a savior.

Jesus.

Spiraling Guilt. [It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.]

♫"You put your arms around me,
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫

I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.

- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)

- Run a half-marathon

- Get one of my books published

- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song


That's all I've got so far.

♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫


I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.

Love.

Chains [Falling on my knees til I love like You love me. I love You.]

I've finally gotten into a decent groove here. Groove, haha. Dumb word choice. But hey, a card laid is a card played. I'm keeping it. Also, by "here" I mean Illinois.

It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.

I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.

I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.

I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].








However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].

I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.


Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.

If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.

I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.

I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.

♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫

And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.

It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.

So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)

Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.

♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫

Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.

♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫

So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.

Love.

Simplicity. [As I sing about this joy.]

I just got back from my morning run. I was thankful for the coolness of it. It was still 80 degrees, but the humidity was significantly lower thanks for storms last night.

My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.

So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.

Dang.

But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.

God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.

Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.

I hate this.

But.

The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.

"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."

Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.

Even when it's just 13 little words.

Love.

Je Voudrais... [You still have my heart completely.]

I've felt more creative than usual these past few days. Now, I don't consider myself to be a creative person. In fact, I think of myself in quite the opposite light.

I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.

I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.

Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.

While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.

This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.

Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.

Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.

Here is currently what I have:

- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.

I have a lot of work to do.

"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31

Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.

Love.

P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?

Love.