I exist. This is a thought that struck me last night while I was at Shift (the Cru weekly meeting at the University of Minnesota). We were singing "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong United, and the words "I am" hit home.
♫ Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You ♫
These two simple words have duel meaning for me. And my heart felt both of them as we sang aloud in the Great Hall of Coffman.
I am. I exist. I'm alive. Don't ask me why I needed to be reminded of that. Maybe because I was feeling swallowed by the amount of homework I'd done the past two days. I'd been away from people (for the most part) reading and reading and reading. That had been my focus. The two days prior to that, I'd been so saturated by people time that I was going crazy. I'm an introvert.
Anyway, I still existed. But more than that. I'm alive. I'm living. This implies so much more action! It's so much more significant. And if I'm giving myself to God, shouldn't it be more than just existing? More than just surviving?
How does one do that? How do you become more? Especially when we are to become less?
"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30 (quote from John the Baptist)
As always, it's all wrapped together perfectly. Because the second meaning of "I am" is God Himself, of course.
"Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:13-14
God is the great I AM. He's the only existence. We are nothing apart from Him. We are not without Him.
My thoughts were drawn to Him, right where they should've been all along the past 4 days. How could I so quickly have forgotten and overlooked the very One who gave me life?
And that's when Jesus gently reminded me:
"I am the Giver of life. You feel drained? Let me pour life back into you, my beautiful child, my wonderful creation."
Are you kidding me? I'm not sure if my feet were still on the floor after that. I felt my soul, my heart, my very self lifted at that moment. Full. It took no time at all for Him to gently brush away the worries from my week.
I am. I only am because of I AM. In Him, my being is satisfied.
Love.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
If History Repeats Itself [I drew in Your breath, and I keep on breathing.]
I got new shoes on Saturday. New running shoes, actually. I've been running consistently for over 2 months now. This hasn't happened often during my 21 years. Maybe just a hand-full of times. Then something would change in my schedule, and running was the first thing to be dropped.
School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.
It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.
"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3
Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.
Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.
Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.
I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.
But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.
God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?
Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.
♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫
I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.
Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?
Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?
Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.
'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'
What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.
That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?
Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.
Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:
' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31
That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.
Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?
We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6
Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.
My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17
'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13
Love.
School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.
It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.
"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3
Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.
Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.
Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.
I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.
But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.
God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?
Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.
♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫
I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.
Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?
Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?
Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.
'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'
What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.
That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?
Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.
Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:
' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31
That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.
Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?
We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?
"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6
Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.
My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17
'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13
Love.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Epicenter [All other ground is sinking sand.]
I'm getting frustrated. Correction: I was getting frustrated. This morning, I'm too tired after my 4.5-mile run to really feel anything other than the lack of energy in my legs.
Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.
I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?
As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!
God started answering me.....
"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.
Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.
It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.
"Pursue Me."
God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.
Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.
Love.
Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.
I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?
As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!
God started answering me.....
"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.
Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.
It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.
"Pursue Me."
God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.
Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.
Love.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
You Make Beautiful Things [Undo me.]
I decided to change my blog. I don't really know why. Yes, I do. Kind of.
I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.
This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.
But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.
He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.
So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.
"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."
Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?
But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.
Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.
He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.
Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.
And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.
Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.
Love.
I was spending time in the Word [the Truth.] yesterday morning; I was reading second Thessalonians. It's not a long book, but it was SO good to read. So refreshing, so life-giving. Especially after I feel like I've been in a valley for the past month.
This valley was full of doubt, full of sorrow, full of apathy, full of sin, full of idolatry. My heart seems to be quite proficient at finding things to replace God. And I'm so content with it.
But I'm NOT. I don't want that. I want God. I want the freedom He gives me; I want His love; I want His acceptance; I want His patience, kindness, mercy. I want God. Because when you think about it, there's nothing else worth wanting.
He is the only Good, the only Truth, the only Love.
So I'm reading second Thessalonians, and I come across chapter 2, verse 8.
"...Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of His mouth and destroy by the splendor of His coming..."
Now, this is referring to "the lawless one". But aren't we all law-breakers?
But what really hit me was Jesus destroying by His splendor. Wouldn't you love to be in that beam of pure [de]light? Yes.
Destroying by splendor. And that's what He does. He comes at us with love, with forgiveness, with grace, with mercy, with every good thing. And He says, "You are worthy because I am worthy. And you are Mine." Though He's probably far more eloquent than that. Because He's Jesus.
He's come to you just as you are. In your clothes and flesh both stained with sin. Your heart so twisted that you think you're just fine, that you're a good person. You're soul so thirsty for Jesus ["Jesus answered her, 'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.' 'Sir,' the woman said, 'you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water?'" - John 4:10-11] that it's delusioned into thinking that drinking from some broken cistern is what you were made for.
Jesus takes your hand, He hold your heart, and gently [ever so gently] removes these impurities. He loves them out of you. You - not the real you, by any means; the you that has been lied to; the you that has believed and acted upon these lies; the you that exists only because the original you has been marred - are destroyed by His splendor.
And He erects the you which was made in His image. The you that He knew before you took your first breath. The you that is free from the chains that once bound you.
Destroyed by splendor. There's nothing else I'd rather have.
Love.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Blurry. [That I could gaze upon Your beauty, O Lord.]
I'm a sinner in desperate need of a savior.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Spiraling Guilt. [It's a slow fade when you give yourself away.]
♫"You put your arms around me,
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫
I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.
- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)
- Run a half-marathon
- Get one of my books published
- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song
That's all I've got so far.
♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫
I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.
Love.
but I believe that it's easier for you
to let me go."♫
I'm making a bucket list. Part of the reason is the whole "I need to discover myself" things. Right now, there are only a few things on it.
- Travel to Israel (especially Jerusalem)
- Run a half-marathon
- Get one of my books published
- Sing the sweet female part of a rap song
That's all I've got so far.
♫"I hope that you see right through my walls.
I hope that you catch because I'm
already falling..."♫
I started another novel just last night. I'm excited for it.
Love.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Chains [Falling on my knees til I love like You love me. I love You.]
I've finally gotten into a decent groove here. Groove, haha. Dumb word choice. But hey, a card laid is a card played. I'm keeping it. Also, by "here" I mean Illinois.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
It's taken awhile, but this life has become my "normal" once again. France was my normal [I hate quotation marks thus will discontinue use of them from here on.] for many months. Not the whole time I was there, but once I'd settled in, it became my normal. Weird. I'm American. Through and through.
I say this because, since returning, I've realized things that I hadn't before. Again, dumb word choice because you can't really realize something you already knew. Or maybe you can? Anyway.
I like eating meat. And I hardly ate any in France.
I value convenience. Though the lack of convenience in France didn't bother me too much.
I enjoy driving my SUV around big roads.
I like air conditioning.
I'm American [though I doubt any of these are exclusively American.].
However [Is there always one of these in my posts? Maybe. Too lazy to look.].
I like speaking French.
I like how close everything is.
I like the quietness of France.
I miss the sincerity and realness of the French people.
Anyway, talking about the France vs. America was not the intention of this post. I'm not sure what was. Or if there was one. There might have been. Sub-consciously.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Actually I've thought about it a long time. I almost got one while I was in France. But I'm too cheap.
If I were to get one, it might just say "Joy". That's what I'd decided on while in France. But now, I'd kind of lean towards "Liberty". Because liberty in Christ has been on my mind a lot lately. In two regards.
I've struggled with legalism for a long time. Practically my whole walk with Christ. Actually, that's not true.
I struggle with legalism, still in this very second. Every day of my life since I accepted Christ. Part of wanting Jesus was my legalistic heart. Thankfully He can use our impure intentions.
♫ "Wash me, Savior, or I die..." ♫
And God - in His great wisdom and infinite love - has been gently showing me that that's not what a relationship with Him is about. It's not about rules or being a good person. It's about giving yourself - your completely honest [I sin; I'm my own god; I lust; I hate; I manipulate; I'm too lazy to talk to God today; I get as close to a "sin" as I can without crossing the line. More. More. More.] self - to Him. Not because you're worthy. But because He loves you anyway. He loves you enough to take you as you are.
It's not about what you do. It's about who God is and what He's done. Failing to admit that everyday - because I struggle with finding my value in myself every second of every day - is making myself my own Savior. And hon, I can't save myself.
So Jesus gives me freedom in that my actions don't earn His love. I'm free to be the real me. And praise be to God that He's slowly and perfectly changing who that person is :)
Which leads to my second liberty related thought. Jesus frees us. I've been chained down by my own desires, addictions, weaknesses my whole life. But He's rescuing me. He's liberating me.
♫"Jesus, break these chains off me.
Because I've been fighting the same battles
from the day that You saved me."♫
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I'm still captive to the same things. But it's His timing. And His timing is perfect.
♫"You set the captives free.
As I stand and sing, You're breaking the chains off me."♫
So I pray for self-control. I pray for patience. I pray wisdom. And I fail. But I get back up, and I keep living. Because I won't be stuck in this rut forever. I trust Him for that. And for everything else.
Love.
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