I just got back from my morning run. I was thankful for the coolness of it. It was still 80 degrees, but the humidity was significantly lower thanks for storms last night.
My legs felt good this morning, other than the constant discomfort in my shins. I know if I stretched more, it would feel better. But oh, how I hate stretching before my run. Especially because I run as soon as I wake up. After putting on different clothes of course. So I'm not awake. I'm stiff. And I don't have energy. That's what my run is for. To wake me up. To give me energy. You get the idea.
So when I arrived at my mailbox this morning [that is the place I end all of my runs], I looked down at the stopwatch on my iPod and was disappointed. I'd felt like I was running faster. But my time was within 5 seconds of my past 3 previous runs.
Dang.
But in the words of the great Mike Mui [who was quoting Dan Schutten who was quoting someone else], "If you want to run faster, run faster." That is pure wisdom right there.
God hasn't been present lately. That's not true, but I'm a feeler and that's sure what it's been feeling like. Despite all the signs of Him being with me [perfectly timed texts or phone calls from friends, verses that speak right to my situation, knowledge that He'll never leave me], my emotions are still running away with me.
Feelings of loneliness, of doubt, of not having hope. These are not constant things. They are quite up and down. And the fact that I'm a feeler means that a lot of "how I'm doing" is based on my emotions.
I hate this.
But.
The God of mercy, the God of love. The Ultimate Source of peace, comfort, tranquility. The Giver of life and the Savior of all. The Bringer of joy. He has shown Himself today. And He has spoken.
"It is all for My glory. You are mine. My Word is truth."
Simple. Yet speaking to 3 different heart conditions [why is this happening? i'm worth nothing as i can't seem to do anything right. i'm doubting...]. I love when my Father speaks.
Even when it's just 13 little words.
Love.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Je Voudrais... [You still have my heart completely.]
I've felt more creative than usual these past few days. Now, I don't consider myself to be a creative person. In fact, I think of myself in quite the opposite light.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
I know I had a blog post a few months ago about being a creator and writing stories. But really, am I creating? No.
I'm just taking old ideas and slightly tweaking them. Or just re-telling them. I'm just taking already-spoken words and re-arranging them. Even if I made up a new word, I'd still be using letters that came from elsewhere, representing sounds that have been made by millions others. But this doesn't bother me. I think, plutot, that this makes me feel closer to people. Not specific people. The general type of people. Humanity, if you will.
Anyway, I like writing. And I've been playing the guitar lately. And I even wrote a song. And I feel like drawing, but goodness, I'm not an artist.
While cleaning my room, I found a picture that I drew when I was 8 or so. I still draw people the exact same way. True story.
This summer, since returning from France, I have a mission. I want to figure out things that I like. This may sound simple, but it's not. I believe that I wrote a blog post about how my tastes change quickly [what is up with me referencing my own posts? i don't like it and won't do it again today.]. Well, I believe that is because I'm not really sure what I like.
Part of this comes from being a pretty easy-going person. I'm usually up for whatever and will go along with what other people want because they probably care more than I do. That is seriously my mentality. Bizarre? Yeah, I think it is.
Now, being flexible is good, but I need to have opinions. Thus, it is my mission [after some wise counsel from B.Brought (holla)] to discover things that I like.
Here is currently what I have:
- I like writing.
- I like reading.
- I like coffee, but not black [I like pretending to like my coffee black.].
- I like playing guitar.
- I like singing.
- I like flowers, but small ones. Generally yellow.
- I like Mexican food.
- I like Chinese food.
- I like Mexican food more than Chinese food unless I'm specifically in the mood for Chinese food.
I have a lot of work to do.
"After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly." - Acts 4:31
Keep seeking the Lord, my friends.
Love.
P.S
biblegateway.com has brought back the NIV from 1984! Yay! Best. Translation. Ever. Also, 1984 is a great book by George Orwell. Summer reading list?
Love.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Shortest Post Ever.
I've been home for 3 days. It's kind of surreal - almost as if I never left but so different at the same time. And I'm so different. Or maybe I'm the same. I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure I want to.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
I miss France. The past 5 1/2 months may have well been the best months of my life thus far. Not that they were easy. They weren't. I'll finish this later. I have stuff to do, haha.
Love.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Don’t Make Me Choose [You wouldn’t like the choice I’d make.]
My long day of travel has started. I’m at the airport early – 45 minutes early. My internet isn’t working, so I’m typing this is Word. I said goodbye to Julien this morning. One of my best friends.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
I’m watching the sunrise from the airport. I can’t believe I’m leaving France today. I’ve been here for so long. Soon I’ll be in Illinois. Before that, I’ll be in Boston.
What is the U.S even like? It’s hard to remember. Now, it’s so bizarre when I hear people speaking English. Soon it will be the norm. Things are bigger there I’ve heard. People are louder. People are friendlier to strangers but distant with friends. None of this I remember. At this moment, all I remember is France.
Having 2 and a half hour meals because you have to eat bread and cheese afterward. Then drink coffee. And talk.
Being instantly friends with someone if you’re a friend of a friend.
Doing the bis with everyone – though you may never see them again.
Last night was one of the most emotionally unstable nights of my life. I was so incredibly happy to be back in Montpellier. To be walking in the Comedie, to be eating crepes with Yann, Julien, Josias, Adam, and Christian. To be speaking French.
It just brought me so much joy.
But with it came a sadness that I knew would come, just not of that magnitude. My heart physically hurt. Was I really going to only be in this city again for 12 hours? Was I really going to have to say goodbye to this place, to these people that are so dear to me? Apparently yes, because here I am, having said goodbye. My plane will take off soon.
I know that these goodbyes aren’t permanent, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever be back to France. I want to come back – I’ve told God that. Now I’m just waiting for His response. This could be a long 9 months. Heck, that’s enough time to grow a baby.
But I’m not going to do that.
Love.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Valleys of Sorrow, Rivers of Joy [Goodbye.]
The past few days have been charged with emotion. I've had to say goodbye to my best friends here. The goodbyes were pretty staggered, which was nice, but it's been a long few days.
I have a few more goodbyes to go on Thursday night and Friday morning. Then it's off to Paris, Boston, and Indianapolis where I will finally get to see my family for the first time in almost 6 months. Dang. I can't wait.
Please be praying for a smooth layover in Boston. I have an hour and 40 minutes to get through customs, go back through security, and get on my plane. Last summer, we left Paris an hour late. So that has me quite nervous. I like having time to figure things out.
We spent the last few days in Normandy. In Bayeux, to be exact. It was actually really cool, as we got to walk on the Pont du Hoc, on the Omaha beach, and in the American cemetery in Normandy. It was so moving.
I couldn't help but reflect as I walk on the shore, the sand annoying getting stuck between my toes, the cold water getting my capris wet. So much had happened there. History had been made there. What if we'd invaded elsewhere and been unsuccessful? What would life be like today? What if the war had never happened at all? How would life be different today?
I suppose these aren't valid questions. Asking "What if?" after events has always kind of gotten on my nerves.
But being here brings me hope for my future. God works everything out perfectly. He'll do the same for my future. I trust Him.
Love.
I have a few more goodbyes to go on Thursday night and Friday morning. Then it's off to Paris, Boston, and Indianapolis where I will finally get to see my family for the first time in almost 6 months. Dang. I can't wait.
Please be praying for a smooth layover in Boston. I have an hour and 40 minutes to get through customs, go back through security, and get on my plane. Last summer, we left Paris an hour late. So that has me quite nervous. I like having time to figure things out.
We spent the last few days in Normandy. In Bayeux, to be exact. It was actually really cool, as we got to walk on the Pont du Hoc, on the Omaha beach, and in the American cemetery in Normandy. It was so moving.
I couldn't help but reflect as I walk on the shore, the sand annoying getting stuck between my toes, the cold water getting my capris wet. So much had happened there. History had been made there. What if we'd invaded elsewhere and been unsuccessful? What would life be like today? What if the war had never happened at all? How would life be different today?
I suppose these aren't valid questions. Asking "What if?" after events has always kind of gotten on my nerves.
But being here brings me hope for my future. God works everything out perfectly. He'll do the same for my future. I trust Him.
Love.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Pyrite. [You're a communist?]
Salut! [Sometimes my fingers move too fast when I write that, and it says salt. I like this.] Project is quickly coming to an end, and God has done so much here. We leave Montpellier in 6 days, and I'll be back in the States in 10 days. So crazy to think about - I've been in Montpellier for over 5 months.
We've continued to go on campus everyday the last couple of weeks. Since finals are basically over for the French students, it's hard to find people to talk to on campus. God has been providing though.
Today, I'm exhausted. Last night was our last English club. A surprising number of people came! I've been kind of feeling like all of our friends have already left Montpellier for the summer. But Fitzpatrick's Pub was packed again last night.
Adding to my physical tiredness is a spiritual and intellectual tiredness as well. Last week, Holly, Spencer, and I went to campus 3 [the liberal arts campus] and approached the only two people in the cafeteria - 2 French men. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but Spencer was bold and initiated with them. He explained why we were there, and they graciously told us to pull up some chairs and join them.
An hour long intense conversation ensued. We mostly talked politics. Somehow Calvinism got thrown in, too, but I'm not quite sure how that happened. We exchanged numbers, but they didn't seem like the type of guys to want to hang out with us again. Oh, did I mention they don't speak any English?
Yesterday, I texted basically everyone I know to hang out before I leave. Shockingly to me [Oh, you of little faith!], one replied saying that he would be free for lunch today. So this morning, I grabbed Jonny [he speaks some French], and we headed to the university cafeteria.
We met up with him, then Melissa and Holly joined us. Almost 2.5 hours later, we had covered communism, different denominations in the church, French men, baptism, the validity of the Bible, evangelism, and probably 800 other things. My brain is fried, but it was amazing. Amazing.
Conversations like this are what I crave. What I love. Our new friend [and I can truly call him this] doesn't believe in God at all, but he's open to talking. And I trust God.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
Other great things have been happening, too. God is working in the lives of my friends here. People are taking steps toward Christ. Some are closer than others. But aren't we all on that journey?
I guess I've gotten in the habit of writing stuff that God has been teaching me lately. So here goes. Lately - the past week or so - I've really felt the darkness here. The lack of hope. The distance from God. Not my own, but just other people's. So many people here don't believe in God here. They don't believe a god exists at all. And I think that causes a darkness here that can be overwhelming at times. And I've been feeling it.
It breeds hopelessness and doubt. But even in our doubt, God is still faithful here. It's incredible and makes or faith stronger, I think.
Doubt also makes us ask real questions. Not theoretical questions that I love to ask. But real, practical questions. One must really observe their own faith. It is tested. Is it real gold or just that of a fool?
And when you find that gold, oh, how it shines! Believers here shine like stars. It's beautiful to see. That's something I'll never forget. Something I wish I could describe to you, but it's indescribable. If only you could see it with me.
"We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." - 2 Peter 1:19-20
Love.
We've continued to go on campus everyday the last couple of weeks. Since finals are basically over for the French students, it's hard to find people to talk to on campus. God has been providing though.
Today, I'm exhausted. Last night was our last English club. A surprising number of people came! I've been kind of feeling like all of our friends have already left Montpellier for the summer. But Fitzpatrick's Pub was packed again last night.
Adding to my physical tiredness is a spiritual and intellectual tiredness as well. Last week, Holly, Spencer, and I went to campus 3 [the liberal arts campus] and approached the only two people in the cafeteria - 2 French men. At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but Spencer was bold and initiated with them. He explained why we were there, and they graciously told us to pull up some chairs and join them.
An hour long intense conversation ensued. We mostly talked politics. Somehow Calvinism got thrown in, too, but I'm not quite sure how that happened. We exchanged numbers, but they didn't seem like the type of guys to want to hang out with us again. Oh, did I mention they don't speak any English?
Yesterday, I texted basically everyone I know to hang out before I leave. Shockingly to me [Oh, you of little faith!], one replied saying that he would be free for lunch today. So this morning, I grabbed Jonny [he speaks some French], and we headed to the university cafeteria.
We met up with him, then Melissa and Holly joined us. Almost 2.5 hours later, we had covered communism, different denominations in the church, French men, baptism, the validity of the Bible, evangelism, and probably 800 other things. My brain is fried, but it was amazing. Amazing.
Conversations like this are what I crave. What I love. Our new friend [and I can truly call him this] doesn't believe in God at all, but he's open to talking. And I trust God.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." - 2 Peter 3:9
Other great things have been happening, too. God is working in the lives of my friends here. People are taking steps toward Christ. Some are closer than others. But aren't we all on that journey?
I guess I've gotten in the habit of writing stuff that God has been teaching me lately. So here goes. Lately - the past week or so - I've really felt the darkness here. The lack of hope. The distance from God. Not my own, but just other people's. So many people here don't believe in God here. They don't believe a god exists at all. And I think that causes a darkness here that can be overwhelming at times. And I've been feeling it.
It breeds hopelessness and doubt. But even in our doubt, God is still faithful here. It's incredible and makes or faith stronger, I think.
Doubt also makes us ask real questions. Not theoretical questions that I love to ask. But real, practical questions. One must really observe their own faith. It is tested. Is it real gold or just that of a fool?
And when you find that gold, oh, how it shines! Believers here shine like stars. It's beautiful to see. That's something I'll never forget. Something I wish I could describe to you, but it's indescribable. If only you could see it with me.
"We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit." - 2 Peter 1:19-20
Love.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Can't Get Enough [Don't even want to.]
Holy Moses. I haven't written in a long time. Since project started to be exact. Sorry about that.
Things have been so busy the past few weeks! I'll now attempt to fill you in without going into much detail.
The project arrived, and we moved into our temporary housing: a sweet hotel with a pool. I got to meet the people on my team, and I LOVE them. Most of them. Some of them I don't know that well. But anyway, I had been a little worried about getting along with them - that worry was definitely dumb. If I'm being honest.
We moved into our actual project housing a few days later, got tours of the city (I know this city inside and out by now), went on the campuses for the first few times, and were exhausted by the weekend.
Since then, it's just been going on campus, meeting new people, and forming friendships. God has been putting some really great people in my path: Jessica, Sarah, Emilie, Lucille, Alice, Pauline. I know that you don't know these people, but they're so fun, and I can't wait to get to know them better!
A run-down of my typical week goes like this:
Monday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8:30-? English club
Tuesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Bible study
Wednesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 6:30-8 Meeting/Worship
- 8-? Agape Bible study
Thursday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8-? The-O-Show (discussion group)
Friday
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Project family night
Saturday is my day off, and Sunday is our day with the Lord. During the week, we meet up with new French friends during free time, too, so by the weekend, I'm exhausted. But in a good way, of course. Like I've been poured out. Like I'm spent.
God has been teaching me so much as well, and He has been so faithful to continue to pour into me so I can in turn pour out to others. Both on my team and people I meet. It's really cool to experience. Though I haven't been the best steward of my times of rest. And I've definitely felt the repercussions of those times.
I feel like one big thing that God has done for me the past few weeks was to increase my view of Him. In the past, God has increased my view of Him by doing great things. But the past 3 weeks He's done it just by letting me get to know Him better. Just being intimate with me, talking to me, showing me verses about Himself that expand my thoughts, expand my heart. And let me tell you. I want more.
On campus, we do a photo survey called Soularium. Basically, there are 50 photos and 3 questions. People answer the questions [1. One photo that describes your life; 2. One photo to describe religion in France; 3. One photo to describe your personal view of God], and then we talk about their answers. Lately, there's one particular photo that has been resonating with me.
It's a little bizarre, I know. And I would've never picked it before project. But in this photo, I'm the lizard. And God is holding me [obvi]. And I'm just getting a taste of God - just a little, because right now my mouth is too small. But I like what I'm tasting. And my mouth is slowly getting bigger, my friend. And I'm loving it.
Anyway, be praying for the ministry here, and my last two weeks in Montpellier. God is doing big things. Always.
Love.
Things have been so busy the past few weeks! I'll now attempt to fill you in without going into much detail.
The project arrived, and we moved into our temporary housing: a sweet hotel with a pool. I got to meet the people on my team, and I LOVE them. Most of them. Some of them I don't know that well. But anyway, I had been a little worried about getting along with them - that worry was definitely dumb. If I'm being honest.
We moved into our actual project housing a few days later, got tours of the city (I know this city inside and out by now), went on the campuses for the first few times, and were exhausted by the weekend.
Since then, it's just been going on campus, meeting new people, and forming friendships. God has been putting some really great people in my path: Jessica, Sarah, Emilie, Lucille, Alice, Pauline. I know that you don't know these people, but they're so fun, and I can't wait to get to know them better!
A run-down of my typical week goes like this:
Monday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8:30-? English club
Tuesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Bible study
Wednesday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 6:30-8 Meeting/Worship
- 8-? Agape Bible study
Thursday
- 10-11 Meeting
- 11-4 Campus
- 8-? The-O-Show (discussion group)
Friday
- 11-4 Campus
- 7-9:30 Project family night
Saturday is my day off, and Sunday is our day with the Lord. During the week, we meet up with new French friends during free time, too, so by the weekend, I'm exhausted. But in a good way, of course. Like I've been poured out. Like I'm spent.
God has been teaching me so much as well, and He has been so faithful to continue to pour into me so I can in turn pour out to others. Both on my team and people I meet. It's really cool to experience. Though I haven't been the best steward of my times of rest. And I've definitely felt the repercussions of those times.
I feel like one big thing that God has done for me the past few weeks was to increase my view of Him. In the past, God has increased my view of Him by doing great things. But the past 3 weeks He's done it just by letting me get to know Him better. Just being intimate with me, talking to me, showing me verses about Himself that expand my thoughts, expand my heart. And let me tell you. I want more.
On campus, we do a photo survey called Soularium. Basically, there are 50 photos and 3 questions. People answer the questions [1. One photo that describes your life; 2. One photo to describe religion in France; 3. One photo to describe your personal view of God], and then we talk about their answers. Lately, there's one particular photo that has been resonating with me.
It's a little bizarre, I know. And I would've never picked it before project. But in this photo, I'm the lizard. And God is holding me [obvi]. And I'm just getting a taste of God - just a little, because right now my mouth is too small. But I like what I'm tasting. And my mouth is slowly getting bigger, my friend. And I'm loving it.
Anyway, be praying for the ministry here, and my last two weeks in Montpellier. God is doing big things. Always.
Love.
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