Here We Go Again!

Wow, I let this blog go for awhile. But mind you, it was a busy semester. And now it's over. But not just my semester - all of college. I now have a Bachelor's degree in geography, and I have no idea how that happened. I don't feel equipped to go into the real world. What am I doing next? That is the question that everyone has for me. And I have an answer! I will be interning with the Leadership Development Program at Hope Community Church here in Minneapolis. I'm SO excited for it! Anyway, I want to start blogging again. I like getting my thoughts down on [metaphorical] paper. And if someone reads it, that's cool, I guess. Love.

Simple truth. [It never grows old.]

Well, I've kind of let my blog go for the past few months. So I feel kind of silly starting to write again. However, feeling kind of silly has never stopped me before. Here goes.

I'm going back to Minneapolis on Thursday (I'm currently on winter break in Illinois to give you some reference), and I must say these past few weeks have been unexpectedly blessed. I've been having great family time, I've spent precious time with God, I've re-connected with some high school friends, and I've been able to have good conversations on the phone with college friends. I've done some reading, played some basketball, dominated some video games with my nephew. You know. The usual in that regard.

The pastor at my grandma's church said something yesterday about this (being unexpectedly blessed) that struck me. He said that we know God is good and that He loves us - therefore we should never stop looking for His blessings. A simple truth, but one that I needed reminded of.

One thing is plaguing me though. What the heck am I supposed to do after I graduate in May? I've been asking and looking, but the answer hasn't come. I'll keep waiting patiently, I guess. Pray with me?

Love.

Roses. [He spoke it into my heart.]

Is it Monday? How did that happen? The weekend flew by, but I'm convinced it's Tuesday right now. Weird.

"Your job is to love her selfishly. Love her in order to make her unfold, to make her bloom. Love her to make her more beautiful for your own enjoyment."

That's a paraphrase from Pastor Steve. He told Josh that on the day that he married Whitney.

And God whispered, "Let me love you like that."

I'm trying.

Love.

Cataracts. [Put your mouth to the firehose and turn it on.]

Wow, it's been almost a month since I last wrote.

Life has been so great lately. I just came off one of the most restful weekends in a long time. Though I did hours and hours of homework, I was just sitting in my apartment with the beautiful sun shining in while I drank coffee. In pure silence [except the brief conversations with my beloved roommate, Sharon].

I realized that silence is something I crave. Or at least I do now. I long for the quiet[er] public spaces of France. If someone else is producing noise, I feel like they're invading my personal thought space. Is that a little crazy? But of course, too much silence would drive me insane. Once my thoughts are unwound and organized, noise is fine, even welcomed. So Saturday night, I had a small group of people over for games. And that was just fine.

It was lovely to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a long time. Like my good friends Adam, Aaron, and Craig. Others were around this weekend, as well, but I hadn't spent time with these guys in a long time. Long time ranging from 3 weeks to 10 months. Re-connecting this weekend was good for my soul.

It was nice to slow down, as I've been feeling a little out of control lately. Not the old out of control that caused a panic. But so much is happening now; it's all so quickly. God is doing so much in my heart right now; I'm not even sure what all is going on.

I won't go into detail because I'm not even quite sure how to explain anything. Maybe I'll update you once more has happened :)

Love.

I am [Reminders.]

I exist. This is a thought that struck me last night while I was at Shift (the Cru weekly meeting at the University of Minnesota). We were singing "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong United, and the words "I am" hit home.

♫ Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am I will love You ♫

These two simple words have duel meaning for me. And my heart felt both of them as we sang aloud in the Great Hall of Coffman.

I am. I exist. I'm alive. Don't ask me why I needed to be reminded of that. Maybe because I was feeling swallowed by the amount of homework I'd done the past two days. I'd been away from people (for the most part) reading and reading and reading. That had been my focus. The two days prior to that, I'd been so saturated by people time that I was going crazy. I'm an introvert.

Anyway, I still existed. But more than that. I'm alive. I'm living. This implies so much more action! It's so much more significant. And if I'm giving myself to God, shouldn't it be more than just existing? More than just surviving?

How does one do that? How do you become more? Especially when we are to become less?

"He must become greater; I must become less." - John 3:30 (quote from John the Baptist)

As always, it's all wrapped together perfectly. Because the second meaning of "I am" is God Himself, of course.

"Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:13-14

God is the great I AM. He's the only existence. We are nothing apart from Him. We are not without Him.

My thoughts were drawn to Him, right where they should've been all along the past 4 days. How could I so quickly have forgotten and overlooked the very One who gave me life?

And that's when Jesus gently reminded me:

"I am the Giver of life. You feel drained? Let me pour life back into you, my beautiful child, my wonderful creation."

Are you kidding me? I'm not sure if my feet were still on the floor after that. I felt my soul, my heart, my very self lifted at that moment. Full. It took no time at all for Him to gently brush away the worries from my week.

I am. I only am because of I AM. In Him, my being is satisfied.

Love.

If History Repeats Itself [I drew in Your breath, and I keep on breathing.]

I got new shoes on Saturday. New running shoes, actually. I've been running consistently for over 2 months now. This hasn't happened often during my 21 years. Maybe just a hand-full of times. Then something would change in my schedule, and running was the first thing to be dropped.

School starts on Tuesday - I hope history doesn't repeat itself.

It's Sunday morning, and I've been reading Mark. A couple things stuck out to me that I'd like to share.

"If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." - Mark 8:3

Now this was Jesus speaking to His disciples right before He fed the four thousand. This hit me this morning because as I already mentioned, the semester begins on Tuesday. And I'll have a lot on my plate. If history repeats itself, collapse is on the horizon. Emotionally, I mean.

Last fall, I spread myself too thin. And I wasn't ready for it. Of course, I didn't do this intentionally. And I hardly realized it at the time. But looking back, I'm seeing it more and more clearly.

Since my mom died almost 2 years ago, I've been emotionally fragile. Which in understandable. Now, it was nothing that I could see; if it had been, I would've done something about it. It's still hard to even pinpoint specific indicators. But the past few weeks, I'm seeing that I'm emotionally much healthier now.

I'm dealing with change well. I'm taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm able to tell the difference between these 3 gauges. I'm more motivated in general. I fell less overwhelmed by things in general. Those are just a few things. Maybe I'll talk more in depth about all of this some other day. I still have a long way to go, anyway.

But my thoughts lately have been plagued by fear.

God, are you throwing me into the fire again? I'll just get burnt out. I'll crash and burn. What am I doing? What are You asking me to do?

Then I read Mark 8:3 this morning. God very well may be sending me into a crazy busy semester. But He's not doing so without feeding me first. Without preparing me. He knows I'll collapse without Him. But praise be to the God of the universe, He's not asking me to go without Him.

♫ I have no fear of drowning; it's the breathing that's taking all this work... ♫


I kept reading this morning. I suppose that would've been enough of a spiritual breakfast, but what can I say? I like Bible binging from time to time. Apparently, I also like saying ridiculous things. But you already knew that.

Mark 10:17-31. The story of the rich young man. Pretty well known. The young man says he's followed all the commands - what else is he to do for eternal life?

Now, my first thought upon reading this passage was something we talked about during Agape Bible study in Montpellier, France, while I was there. Jesus' first response was basically to ask the rich young man who Jesus was to him. That's the important thing: who is Jesus? Not the commands. So I remembered that. Solid, right? Let's move on?

Apparently not. I kept reading [skimming] the rest of the passage. And something Simon Peter said jumped off the page.

'Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Peter said to him, “We have left everything to follow you!” -Mark 10:23-28'


What? Jesus hadn't accused Peter or the disciples of anything. Jesus had said that all things are possible with God. Peter made the conversation about himself. And his sacrifice. And what he had done.

That savors strongly of arrogance and selfishness to me. Had Peter REALLY left everything to follow Christ? Had he even left himself behind? How are you to become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) if the old still thrives?

Of course, everything I'm saying right now is quite hypocritical. I make God's plans, God's actions, God's everything about myself. My world is quite ego-centric. Maybe that's why Peter's reaction struck a chord with me. It mirrors my responses.

Jesus' response wasn't one of rebuke. He didn't call Peter out. I'm not even sure He acknowledged Peter (though that's taking a lot of liberties with this text; which I do far too often for my own liking). He simply said:

' “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” ' -Mark 10:29-31

That is a response of encouragement. Whatever we do give up, we will receive more in heaven. It is not in vain. And even if it was, it'd still probably be worth it.

Are we called to give up everything? Our means of survival? Even our very selves? Maybe. What does that look like? It that even feasible? Does it matter?

We give what we can. All we can. Is it a sacrifice?

"For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." -Hosea 6:6

Again, it seems the focus is on God, not on our actions.

My mind isn't fully wrapped around any of this, but that's okay. It doesn't need to be right now. I'll leave with two other verses that came to mind just now. Then I'm done for the day, I promise.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise." -Psalm 51:16-17

'And he said to them: “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” ' -Mark 7:9-13


Love.

Epicenter [All other ground is sinking sand.]

I'm getting frustrated. Correction: I was getting frustrated. This morning, I'm too tired after my 4.5-mile run to really feel anything other than the lack of energy in my legs.

Why was I getting frustrated? Because I've been asking for something from God. It's not something huge. It's not something outlandish. It's not something that is bad to have.

I've been asking for wisdom. Not exactly wisdom. I've been asking for guidance in ONE area of my life. Do I do this or that? Which is better? Which is God's will? What would God have me do?

As I'm pondering this, I've been seeking wise counsel, getting in the Word, and praying. All good things. But God, why haven't You answered me yet? I just want to do what You want!

God started answering me.....





"Pursue Me," He whispers to me repeatedly.





Never angry, never annoyed by my persistent asking. God just gently told me to pursue Him. That is what He wants.

It's not about what I do for God. When I keep asking that question, the focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me. The focus is on me.

"Pursue Me."

God wants me to shift my focus from my own actions to Him. Easier said than done. I've been trying. But there it is again. I've been trying. Ick.

Jesus, change my focus. Change my heart. It doesn't matter what I do. You're the only thing that matters.

Love.